Saturday Crapshoot: Quickies Week II

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Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, rather than one game, a bit of a medley. The PC's always been the best platform, obviously. When it came to platformers though...

Yes, once again... a little later than planned, thanks to getting hours into this week's intended subject only to be stopped by an unfixable crash... it's time for a look at a random grab-bag of what was historically one of the PC's weakest genres. If you wanted platform games, you got a Nintendo/SNES (or if your parents secretly hated you, a Sega) or an Amiga/ST. It's not that there weren't attempts made on PC, just that they rarely worked out that well - remember our version of Mega Man? - and too expensive to risk a punt on compared to something likely to last longer, like an adventure, an RPG, or a Slush Puppie. Let's take a random spin through some of the good and the bad, and the very, very ugly...

The Adventures Of Captain Comic

He'd be better off as backup for the real heroes. You know. Comic relief.

Where better to start than right at the beginning... at least, more or less. Captain Comic is often credited as being the first PC platform game, though a quick look at the graphics - simple as they are - should be a clue that it's not. It came out in 1988, while players craving disappointment could have been playing the likes of Ario Bros (sic) as early as 1983. You can probably work out what game that was a clone of, and note the lack of the word 'Super' in its name. Its graphics consisted entirely of ASCII figures, with Mario replaced with a smiley face and Shigeru Miyamoto with a dodgy photocopier.

Captain Comic was however arguably the first that became iconic, due to being released as shareware and thus appearing constantly whenever magazine disk editors needed to fill a little space, or shareware editors got bored of Shooting Gallery and whatever Skunny was up to that week. It's not a complicated game, as if the name "Captain Comic" wasn't a bit of a clue about that, but it's more advanced than you might think. The creator was inspired by Metroid to add an adventure game element to jumping around the levels and being assaulted by more dive-bombing birds than Hitchcock ever dreamed of, and the controls are clumsy. It bothers with a few things that many games that followed wouldn't though, including correcting a jump in the air, as well as taking the view that if you had a gun, you'd probably want to use it. True, it's powered by soda for some reason, and no "Captain Comic" will ever be badass, but shareware of a similar vintage would regularly restrict you to just a few shots so that they had something to use as a pick-up. Here, you can fire almost as much as you want (with an energy meter offering mild limitations), and each gun upgrade means being able to shoot more projectiles at once.

Weird that the default 'shoot' command key was 'Ins' though. Look on your keyboard. Yes. That one.

It's a simple enough platformer, not really notable for anything but getting in there first, but did start a bit of a trend - shareware developers desperately trying to make the genre work. If a new game was held up as the PC's answer to, say, Sonic the Hedgehog, it was going to be a shareware game. Even if it was the original Duke Nukem, back in the days where he wore pink, wasn't sure how to spell his name, and wanted to be done with his ass-kickery in time to get home and watch Oprah. It probably goes without saying that none of them were that successful, at least until what was then called Epic Megagames got into the action with a little game called Jazz Jackrabbit. Prior to that though...

Jill Of The Jungle

Shareware was the F2P of its day. Someone had to be paying to make it profitable, but you'd never meet them.

Even as far back as 1992, people were rolling their eyes at the classic 'prince saves princess', 'rescue the kidnapped girlfriend' storyline... so it's a good job that it's never used any more, right? Few remarked on it as openly as this game though, with its colour-swapping heroine fighting her way through some of the blockiest platforms ever to be jumped on, and a third episode called "Jill Saves The Prince" featuring the most romantic, epic ending ever. Or possibly the most favor-y favour ever to be requested.

THE PRINCE ASKS: "Jill of the Jungle, you have not only saved my life, you have saved the jungle from great peril. You have the eternal gratitude of my family. Now I ask you only one more favor, Jill... will you marry me?"

JILL ANSWERS: "Okay."

Sniff. Truly, a legendary tale.

The game itself was very primitive, being notable mostly for its gradient backgrounds and having a non-sexualised (unless you squint, or look at the box, which was a different and much sillier story) female protagonist. It wasn't the first, earlier games like The Colonel's Bequest, Plundered Hearts and King's Quest IV already having broken that ground, but it was still a rarity. Not like today, of course. That makes it all the stranger that the game intended to be its follow-up ended up morphing into an original game called... wait for it... "Vinyl Goddess From Mars." With a name like that on its title screen, a game only has two possible ways to go. See if you can guess which one it chose!

A poor choice for field work. If nothing else, you can't sneak up on enemies if you squeak with every movement

You guessed correctly. Though as mentioned before, no game has ever featured a more underdressed hero than Lost City of Atlantis... whether it was the kind of nudity players wanted to see or not.

Jill of the Jungle did however put Epic Megagames and its creator Tim Sweeney on the map. A few years later, he would go on to create the Unreal engine, which of course powers much of the industry right now. In a very real sense, much of the games industry right now, along with titles like Bioshock Infinite, owes its existence to this platforming blonde in a bathing suit, and Jazz Jackrabbit, the bright green rabbit that followed her. Not so much its official follow-up Xargon though, since even fans of Epic Megagames in the day tended to know that one as "That Game That Also Exists."

Jazz Jackrabbit was a fantastic game for its time, 'fantastic' in this case admittedly needing to be followed with 'if you envied console owners their 16-bit platformers but hadn't really played enough of them'. It had awesome music, seemingly endless levels, 3D bonuses and more, and for a while was hands-down the best mascot platformer you could get on the PC, shareware or not. It was followed by a sequel, which paired Jazz with the unfortunately named partner "Spaz" (more of a deal in the UK than in the US, I suspect...) and a 3D version was in production for a while. It's not hard to find a copy of that if you poke around, but I wouldn't bother. It's very primitive stuff. The original shareware version though? I had some great times with that, and it's one of the very few shareware games I ever personally registered with my pocket money. When I could get the whole game for about £10, anyway.

But shareware couldn't have the whole genre to itself. What wonders awaited on the shelves?

Trolls

Based on an actual acid trip in a funhouse.

No.

James Pond: Robocod

Which came first, the game mechanic or the pun? By the way, if you don't get the pun, sea kelp.

Given that his entire series was little more than a pun with a couple of prosthetic games attached, James Pond did pretty well for himself. Only one of his adventures made it onto PC though, and it wasn't the platforming that quickly made it infamous. The platforming was okay, in the strongest, most hand-wavey sense of okay imaginable, as everyone's favourite fish became everyone's favourite fish-and-chips thanks to some cyborg technology that let him stretch up and grab platforms.

It also marked a confusing point for the industry, as everyone tried to work out whether levels filled almost entirely with Penguin chocolate bars in their wrapping counted as either a cool acknowledgement that games were important enough to get that honour, or just a bit tacky. A few more years of product placement would of course confirm the latter, from the Chupa Chups in Zool: Ninja Ant From The Nth Dimension Whatever Its Creators Thought, to platform and puzzle games based on the Quavers mascot, to Space Quest V ending all futuristic phonecalls with "Thanks for using U.S. Sprint!"

Robocod's crowning achievement on PC though was to be one of the most glorious demo cock-ups of all time. The demo was cover-mounted on our sister magazine PC Format, along with probably a few other places, and on the surface was fairly standard. You got a couple of levels, which was likely enough to realise that the game was okay but you didn't really want any more of it. Your mileage may vary there, but since far more people remember Robocod fondly than actually bought it, the odds were pretty good. The problem was that to make this demo, the creators simply dumped the whole game on a disk and flipped a switch to stop the doors to the levels unlocking after the first couple.

...but forgot to switch off the 'access all levels' cheat code.

As a result, the entire game was playable from the coverdisk simply by tapping a few items in the right order at the start of the game. This was a well known code at the time, and so an obvious thing to try and be stunned when it actually worked. As I remember, the only thing that was missing was the ending - the game just crashing there. Since the ending consisted entirely of Santa dropping a bag of toys on the villain and he and Robocod jumping up and down, it wasn't worth investing in the whole game for.

If anyone does feel any lingering guilt though, there's a James Pond Kickstarter coming soon. I don't know if they've decided on a pun, but the good money is on Tomorrow Never Fries or License To Krill.

Fury Of The Furries

There's no real story behind this one, I just remember it fondly...

Now, here's one for the 'forgotten classic' category. Fury of the Furries (later redrawn and re-released as the Pacman game Pac-In-Time, one of several attempts to break out of the maze and make a game nobody wanted - the most bizarre being the semi-point-and-click adventure Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures) was a slow-burning but terrific mix of platforming and puzzling. Its plot was an irrelevance, its graphics hardly worth mentioning. Its feel though was great. You control a gang of furballs called Tinies, or one colour-changing one, with coloured gates determining which powers you can call on at any time. Red can devour platforms, yellow shoots fire, blue is the diving specialist. King of all of them though is Green, who can travel around the map via unlimited ninja ropes. This was extremely cool, especially as it was much more forgiving than the more famous rope over in Worms.

There's not a lot more to say about this one. It was just a simple idea, really well executed. Also, along with French, English, German and a couple of other languages, you could choose to play the game in Fremen. As in Dune. This didn't change a lot, really, this not exactly being a plot-heavy game. It did however mean things like the opening desert level being renamed Arrakis, and selecting 'Bazir al Kalash' for sound settings. Kalah, or Neb kalash? It comes on a stick. Wash it down with some Crab Juice.

It's good to remember that 90s platformers weren't all bad. Right. What's next?

Trolls

Meanwhile, in the deepest corner of your nightmares...

Christ, no.

Rick Dangerous

Oh, Rick, you're no Flash. RealVideo at best.

Rick Dangerous was a defining game for me. Specifically, it defined what I wasn't willing to accept in a game, which in this case is sadistic, brutal death where survival is less about skill than rote memorisation. For some reason though, just about everyone I've ever spoken to who remembers these two games does so with eyes so misty that they should probably get some windscreen wipers.

Both are about the adventures of an Indiana Jones type, with the first game (from 1989) set in his natural habitat - caves full of rolling boulders and the like - and the second taking on a more sci-fi vibe, with the box riffing on Flash Gordon and the game having Rick fight off invading aliens. Between deaths, anyway.

In both cases though, the stock joke was that Rick wasn't dangerous, his games were. Some say that diamond is the hardest material in the world, show-offs sniff that it's actually wurtzite boron nitride. Both though are incorrect. Beating them all into a bloody mess is the cranium of anyone who willingly made it through these games. They're not the toughest ever made or anything, just a relentless death march of traps and screw-you design, with limited lives to really rub salt into the wound. On the very first screen of the first game for instance, you start in a corridor. As soon as you move, a boulder starts rolling right behind you, chasing you down a passageway with only a second or so head-start... a passageway that then drops you straight onto an enemy who kills you in one hit. In game design terms, that's up there with having a convicted poisoner cook you an almond cake. It just gets worse from there.

Still, if you're in the mood for its trial-by-ordeal, there's a modern PC port that at least helps make the controls slightly less horrible. You may also enjoy the experience of repeatedly stepping on a rake.

Trolls

O_O

...so, it's like that, is it? Very well.

Under normal circumstances, I'd feel sorry for the creators of Trolls. In this case though, I can think of no more fitting punishment for having made Trolls than having to spend extended periods of time in its company - forced to build and then play the most eye-gouging platformer ever to hit the PC. Based of course on the long-haired horror toys from the 90s, Trolls used so many neon gradients that it caused a worldwide colour shortage. For the three months after it came out, every game was black and white. (Luckily, they were all later secretly patched back to their intended form by an army of magic elves.)

Could it be worse? Well, yes. Slightly. The box could have been the kind of thing that would get you put on a list just for picking it up off the shelf. It would have required a second deal with Satan though, and even he has his limits. "Dude, seriously," he might say. "I already let you make a game with the same effect as opening the Ark of the Covenant. Chillax. Have a cappucino."

The game itself, stripped of the graphics and the fact that it's about Trolls, isn't the worst in the world, though the migraine it brings on can feel like it. The goal is to get around the levels and rescue baby trolls without thinking that the presence of baby trolls means that these hideous abominations must occasionally slip off their T-Shirts and jeans to make the beast with two backs and ten gallons of hair gel. Your weapon is a yo-yo, because it's hard to bind 'the sudden existential horror of realising you're in a Trolls game' to the Ctrl key, with themed levels ranging from "Just Took Ecstasy And Stared Into A Kaleidoscope World" to "Synaesthete In A Rock Concert Land." Something like that, anyway. This is the only game ever made that could have done with a sewer level to break up its imagination.

But on the plus side, it wasn't a broken interactive movie from the 90s that I now plan to take outside and use as a frisbee, possibly hard enough to not simply break it into shards but atomise it into failure dust. Next week, a more reliable game, or a noose. Stay tuned for updates. (No noose is good news.)

Apologies to anyone mentally scarred by the Troll. Here's a kitten playing with some yarn.


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