The PC Gamer Christmas Gift Guide
Hands-up if you're a nudist? OH GOD PUT THEM BACK DOWN AGAIN! I didn't think that through. New game! Gesture with your elbows, but do not in any way move your hands, if you're a nudist? Okay. Listen up, wrinklies, because I've invented a thing called "clothing". This will allow people to be naked, but others will not be able to see it unless they're underneath the clothes. I've licensed the notion to games companies, who have created their own "clothes" that you can now use to cover your shame. You're welcome.
Are your knees cold? If so, this is the coat for you. It sits on your shoulders, sure, but the custom gold and black lining stretches all the way down to your knees, making you look like Deus Ex:Human Revolution's protagonist and keeping you warm. Which is funny, because you'll look cool wearing it.
Deus Ex store: $189 / £165
And on the eighth day, Godthing did turn to Notch and asked him where he got that cool t-shirt with three Creepers and the moon? And Notch did say something in Swedish which translated to a QR code that led us to a hashtag that was all about online store Jinx. Amen.
Jinx.com: $25 / £23
This is actual magic. Not only do you get a classy Dota 2 shirt to cover the shameful bits that your mother warned you not to touch in front of your aunt, but the t-shirt also comes with a code that gives you the characters in game. It's pretty quantum.
Valve store: $30 / £25
Are you hardcore enough to wear a t-shirt emblazoned with the phrase "CEASELESS DISCHARGE"? Even if you fall at that hurdle, Meat Bun's Dark Souls-themed t-shirts should have something for you: be that in the form of a government-information-style poster of a giant grinning cat bearing the legend "ONLY YOU can prevent forest invasions!" or death-metal typography reading "PURE BLACK TENDENCY" or the above anatomical drawing of a mimic. Few gaming tees hit this sweet spot between fandom and fashion with such deadly accuracy.
Meat Bun: $24 / £15
If you're a gamer and you have a hood, you will pretend to be an Assassin's Creed character when popping it. It's basic psychology. So why not just do it wearing this official Assassin's Creed 3 hoodie? The 'hidden blade' detailing isn't all that hidden, but apart from that you'll look awesomely assassiny. Awesassinly!
Ubi store: $64.99 / £40.75
Feet are useless. They are basically the appendix of the body. But wait! Stop your sawing and sew up those wounds! There's no need to cut them off because I said so. You can simply hide the smell and the verrucas with these striking Mass Effect 3 sneakers. Socks sold separately.
Bioware store: $85 / £73