Can you guess just how bizarre this noir adventure game is?

The Unwhatables?

If you've seen the film The Untouchables you know a bit about real-life lawman Eliot Ness, though not as much as you think because the film is ridiculously fictionalized. Eliot Ness is also featured in episodic noir adventure Blues and Bullets, along with Al Capone, a hovering blimp hotel, a child-snatching blood cult, and the day-to-day management of a diner.

Question 1

Eliot Ness, leader of the famous prohibition law enforcement team known as The Untouchables, is a now short-order cook, and one of his first tasks is to decide how much sauce to put on a burger. Those two things are weird enough to be part of the quiz but I'm just going to tell you up front that in this game they are true. Eliot Ness must decide upon the sauciness of a burger.

True!

Yes, his quest is pie. Before you can investigate a child-stealing blood cult, you must first have famed lawman Eliot Ness give pie to a person. The noir thrills don't end there, either: you also give pie to a second person.

Question 2

While checking into a hotel situated on a floating Hindenburg blimp only accessible by cable car, Ness can choose to give a false name. Again, the blimp hotel is a super weird thing but it's true and I'm just going to give it to you.

False!

Nope. It's actually worse than Jeliot Mess. It's worse than "Bob Notadetective." It's even worse than "Lance Uppercut."

Question 3

While strolling around talking to himself, some of the words Ness says appear in huge letters on the street in front of him. Weird, but true!

True!

Yep, Ness can not only summon giant words from another dimension simply by speaking them, but these words take physical form, and he and the bad guys can use them as cover during a gun fight. Either Ness is insane or he is an Elder God. I am fine with either of these explanations.

Question 4

While examining the apartment of a murder victim, who has been tortured and mutilated in some sort of arcane blood ritual, Ness is more aghast at the victim's housekeeping habits than the horrific atrocity. What really disgusts Ness is that the man didn't soak his dirty dishes.

False!

Ness actually continues obsessing over the dirty dishes of the man who was mutilated and murdered. Only then does he go on to make odd disparaging statements about Italians.

Question 5

Prior to Ness attending a fancy party with bandages wrapped around his entire head so he'll look like an escaped rapist (this is a real thing that happens in the game), he makes a quick trip to his diner, where a woman visits him.

False!

This is actually a choice between consoling her (by touching her shoulder) or hitting on her under the guise of consoling her (by touching her knee). She does ask him to breathe on her, too, for reasons I will not elaborate upon because it's a weird thing to see someone say with no context.

Question 6

While examining a crime scene, Ness begins putting clues together to determine a timeline of what happened and how the murder took place.

False!

Nope! It was actually a spoon and it was used to scoop someone's eyes out. The sticky liquid was eyeball juice, apparently. Ness did examine a garden gnome, though. That much is true. Nothing slips past this guy.

Question 7

True or false: that line shown above is an actual line from the game that Ness says and that is Ness saying it.

True!

See, told you it was true. Also, in this game featuring eyeball removal and the imprisonment and torture of children, you unlock a comical 'big head' mode when you finish. This is a really, really weird game.