The Defeatist
The match begins and boom! Within thirty seconds a goal is scored and your team is down 0-1. That's when one player on your team decides it's all over. The lead is insurmountable, the tide is irreversible, the team is unsalvageable. The Defeatist immediately abandons the match to continue the restless search for a team that won't let them down the way you just did.
The Spoiler
You've just made an amazing, epic save. The ball was 90% inside your goal, glowing like a white dwarf and about to explode, but you somehow manage to bop it out just in the nick of time. And there's The Spoiler, the player on the other team just parked there, three feet away, who simply nudges it back in for a goal, utterly erasing your heroics.
The Archivist
Sometimes you want to watch replays, sometimes you don't. Everyone feels that way except for The Archivist, who never, ever chooses to skip the replays even though they're not even featured in them. Even though everyone else has voted to skip it and get back to playing. C'mon, dude! I accidentally scored on my own goal and don't want to relive it. Press skip! Press skip!
The Hitman
While most players focus on the ball, some focus on the other players. The Hitman doesn't just demolish other cars when the opportunity presents itself but makes it a personal mission to ram, batter, and destroy you from the opening seconds to the final klaxon. Not a bad strategy, really. If you're hit by this player more than once you'll probably give up on the ball and spend the match looking for a little payback.
The Failed Stuntman
We all know the ball spends about half its time rolling up the side of the arena, and those skilled enough can chase it and make plays while vertical. The Failed Stuntman thinks the same thing, but is entirely wrong. They'll constantly chase ball up and down the wall and never once connect. Just wait for it to land, willya? You're not doing any good up there.
The Only Player On Your Team
The ball has been centered and you're in the perfect position to knock it in for a score. But what's this? A teammate flies in backwards, knocking it away from you, off the wall, and back into midfield. It's The Only Player On Your Team, and this driver never, ever stops going for the ball, no matter where it is or who else might be going for it at the same time. As far as this driver is concerned, there's only one player on your team, and it's not you.
The Doorman's Ghost
Praise be to the players who don't always try to score but hang back and protect your team's net. Occasionally a driver will actually spend the entire game playing goalie, which is great! Except for The Doorman's Ghost, who waits patiently between your uprights until the other team takes a shot on goal. At which point he's suddenly somewhere else.
The Benedict Arnold
We've all done it, either by an ill-timed boost or an attempted save or just bad luck: we've all scored on our own goal. The proper behavior in this instance is to spend the rest of the match feverishly trying to make up for it, but not so for the Benedict Arnold. After scoring on their team they'll vanish in a puff of shame, too embarrassed to even attempt redemption.
The Drunken Angel
Aerial skills are both important and rare, and most players won't risk it unless they're lined up perfectly or are desperate for a goal. Except for The Drunken Angel, who rockets into the air the second the ball is off the ground despite never once successfully making a play. In fact, even when the ball isn't in the air, this player is. Some drivers just like to fly.
The Holdout
You've just had a fun, amazing, hard-fought match with fantastic plays, epic saves, and stunning goals that came down to a lengthy and memorable overtime. Everyone agrees immediately that another game is absolutely necessary. Except for The Holdout, who refuses to ready up. But why? We shared something beautiful! We'll never find each other again! Please, ready up! Ready up before it's too—
