The worst Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals no one should buy, ever

We see some pretty strange things as we pick through thousands of Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals. Some make us laugh. Some make us want to cry. We collected the weirdest ones that someone, somewhere, may actually want to buy (you never know when you're going to need a yodelling pickle, right?).

Now for the list of shame: deals so bad no one should buy them. These are the worst deals we've seen during this fever dream of a sales holiday.

One of the ugliest damn PC cases we've ever seen, $50 off 

Hardware news writer Paul Lilly thought this case was so ugly, he wrote a whole post about it back in October. He didn't say it looked like "the severed head of a Michael Bay Transformer," but I'm saying it now. Anyway, it's £50 off for Cyber Monday, but still costs a painful £299.99. Hard pass, Megatron.

A $20 mystery box of Funko Pops and sadness

Question 1: why would you buy a Funko Pop? They're hideous.

Question 2: If you do want one of these disgusting bastardizations of a character you love, why buy a mystery box that's basically guaranteed to give you some ugly shit you don't want, instead? Go buy a really nice pizza for $20 instead. I guarantee you'll enjoy it more.

A $900 "gaming" PC without a graphics card 

Let's see. Intel Core i7-8700K, nice, nice, that's good stuff. A 1TB HDD and a 240GB SSD, cool, cool. 16GB of DDR4 RAM, okay, things are shaping up. Wait a second—where's the graphics card? Did you forget something kind of important? This "ABS Focus Gaming Desktop PC" packed in the goods but conveniently left out the one component that actually lets you play games. Intel's integrated graphics aren't quite going to cut it for a build closing in on $1,000.

Sure, it's otherwise built out of some nice high-end parts, but you could do much better than the bland case by rolling your own system. For less than $1,000, you could have a powerful PC with a graphics card in it. But hey, at least this one includes a DVD burner!

 A $400 PC with a six-year-old CPU and two-year-old GPU 

Rolling right along to another shamefully bad prebuilt PC deal, this system was discounted to $400, but the question is why would you buy it, ever. It's running on an ancient AMD FX-6300 CPU, DDR3 RAM, and has no SSD. Also, the graphics card is a GT 710, which is actually weaker than the Intel integrated graphics in the last system. No one should buy this PC, ever. The box would probably show up covered in dust, since it's clearly been sitting in an abandoned corner of a warehouse for years.

A t-shirt that should say "Jeep" but instead says "beer"

I really hope it's obvious that anyone on the planet would look like a big dumb tool in this shirt.

A $30 90s calculator but for storing your passwords  

A "password safe." But not, like, a safe you can actually put money in, or passwords written down on a piece of paper. This is a little keypad with a shitty screen and probably about 4 megabytes of memory that you type passwords into, then lock with a PIN code. And if you lose it, you're completely screwed. Stop it. Just stop. If your grandparents try to buy this, set them up with Lastpass or 1Password instead. Kudos to The Worst Things For Sale for this one.

A $1 battery pack that might not even work  

Need a power bank for your phone? Well, you probably shouldn't buy this one, since the customer reviews include accolades like "piece of garbage," "I can hear something rattling around inside of it" and "bought 6, only one works." A few other people report it did work for them, but it looks like your chances of getting a junker are pretty high. Basically, you're probably better off picking pretty much any other portable battery pack.

A $20 Claptrap talking car charger 

We were so flabbergasted by the existence of this product, we had to give it its own post. Now, I actually think Claptrap's kinda cute. He's a silly little triangular robot with spindly arms. But can you imagine a hell greater than being trapped in the car on a lengthy roadtrip, and every time you plug in your phone for a charge, you have to listen to Claptrap? You have to hear that shrill voice say "Hahaaaa! I am alive! Let's get moving o' noble henchman" or "How ya feelin' minion?"

Imagine a child plugging their phone in over and over again to make Claptrap talk. I would definitely drive that car off a cliff, all because of a Claptrap talking car charger. This is something no one should own, unless you're really into modern torture devices.

When he's not 50 hours into a JRPG or an opaque ASCII roguelike, Wes is probably playing the hottest games of three years ago. He oversees features, seeking out personal stories from PC gaming's niche communities. 50% pizza by volume.