'Ruin his life'—Old School Runescape player gets such unhinged advice from community, showing it to their cousin is all it takes to get a 96 million gold wand back

A knight from Runescape bellows a mighty roar.

(Image credit: Jagex)

A Runescape player asked the Old School RuneScape (OSRS) subreddit what should have been a very simple, straightforward question (thanks, GamesRadar). Being the internet, they sure didn't give them a simple or straightforward answer.

"My cousin stole my Kodai Wand. How can I ask for it back without starting family drama?" asks user MethIsntCool. Anyway, MethIsntCool explains that in ye olden days of 2021, their family was graced with its first child. Being a responsible parent, they packed up their RuneScape character for the foreseeable.

"During my hiatus, I lent my Kodai wand to my cousin. As no one quits RuneScape forever, I made it clear I would want it back upon my return to Gielinor," they explain.

Some context. The Kodai Wand is a real powerful weapon. At the time of writing, it's selling for 96.4 million digital gold on the grand exchange. In Oldschool RuneScape, magic is fueled by runes—consumable items. The wand, aside from being pretty strong to begin with, also creates infinite Water runes while having a 15% to negate other rune costs entirely. That's one expensive stick.

MethIsntCool is now a stay-at-home parent, so they've got some more time to log in RuneScape. There's a twist to this tale, though, as their cousin did the unthinkable. They developed the exact same priorities, leaving the wand in limbo: "My cousin now has a child of his own, and wrongly believes RuneScape cannot be his priority anymore."

You can imagine they wouldn't want to let their prized wand gather cobwebs for longer than absolutely necessary. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, they had the perfect opportunity to corner him. "How can I successfully pull him aside and ask this man to log into his childhood point-and-click game, navigate the 2-factor authenticator he hasn't used in over a year, and buy membership so he can trade me my magic wand?" How indeed.

You might think the OSRS community would suggest some reasonable countermeasures. Asking him politely—or bribing him with a double share of the turkey. Asking him for the password, perhaps. Here's the top reply to the thread.

"Don’t be an adult about it. Cause havoc. Ruin his life. This is RuneScape. More important than his dumb ass child," writes GatoDiablo99, channelling their most normal energy into this entirely solvable problem. This sent a wave of criminal bloodlust through other respondents. One user even suggested what I'm pretty sure is an actual crime. "Make him log in on a laptop you keylogged. Clean him out and see how long it takes before he realises what actually matters."

Another comment, which over 600 people either agreed with or found funny enough to upvote, reads: "Get close to him and your niece/nephew. When [they] become old enough, teach them to play [Old School Runescape]. Have them farm a wand. Ask to borrow it. Profit." This is Parent Trap-tier level planning, I'm as horrified as I am impressed.

Mercifully, there's plenty of people telling MethIsntCool to just be normal about it and ask. That also isn't exactly what happened. With all this terrible advice in hand, they went to Thanksgiving and showed their cousin the thread. He buckled almost immediately. "After showing my cousin my last post, he agreed to meet me online and peacefully hand over the wand."

UPDATE: Got my magic wand back. Thanks for all the advice, Reddit! from r/2007scape

GatoDiablo99 made a return to express their disapproval like a disappointed Sith chiding their dark apprentice. "I’m a bit ashamed you didn’t cause havoc," they write, to which MethIsntCool responds: "To be fair, your comment pushed him over the edge for a peaceful transaction."

I cannot in good conscience recommend resolving a mild disagreement with someone by fetching a gaggle of internet strangers, letting them tell you to beat that person up, then showing that person those suggestions like you're a Dr. Jekyll barely restraining an inner Mr. Hyde. It is, however, very funny.

I think one last comment from the original thread ties this story together in a neat bow, so it's what I'll leave you with. "Both your kids are fucked."

PRODUCTS

Harvey's history with games started when he first begged his parents for a World of Warcraft subscription aged 12, though he's since been cursed with Final Fantasy 14-brain and a huge crush on G'raha Tia. He made his start as a freelancer, writing for websites like Techradar, The Escapist, Dicebreaker, The Gamer, Into the Spine—and of course, PC Gamer. He'll sink his teeth into anything that looks interesting, though he has a soft spot for RPGs, soulslikes, roguelikes, deckbuilders, MMOs, and weird indie titles. He also plays a shelf load of TTRPGs in his offline time. Don't ask him what his favourite system is, he has too many.