As we've been trawling through the Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals for you, we've come across a lot of things that we wouldn't normally write about—maybe they've got nothing to do with PC gaming, or perhaps they're just a bit rubbish—but are weird enough that might be worth a drunken, regrettable purchase. But probably not.
Sonic Halloween costume | $30.39 with Amazon Prime (Save $7.60)
I love everything about this terrible Sonic costume. The vague sense of menace that it radiates is powerful. Someone made some bold choices about the direction of this nightmare. That it's ultimately just a hooded tracksuit is a masterful touch—utterly mundane but still capable of haunting my nightmares. The low quality blue fur print really brings it to life, but the pièce de résistance has to be the mask. Just incredible work. It looks like it was based on a screencap of a cam copy of the film. I adore it.
Stick this on, grab a knife and you've got an iconic serial killer look. If John Carpenter had seen this before he made Halloween, Michael Myers would have been wearing Sonic's face, not William Shatner's.
Food vacuum sealer | $59.40 at Amazon (Save $10.59)
I'm vaguely aware that some people like to vacuum seal their food like they're serial killers—there's definitely a theme here—but I didn't know that the devices looked so much like personal printers. I've not used a printer in a long time because I'm not from the 1800s, so when I first clapped eyes on it I just assumed that desktop printers had grown jealous of their 3D counterparts and started creating little bags of fresh meat.
Unfortunately my dream of owning a cheap meat printer was shattered. This is just a printer-sized machine that closes bags for you. Not any bag, either. Only specific bags, which presumably you have to pay a premium for. It does close them really well, though. Nothing getting in or out of those bags. Apparently you can use it to safely keep stuff in your freezer for three years, in case you inexplicably needed to save a ham for 2023.
I may have added the eyes myself.
Heated mouse pad | $8.49 with Amazon Prime (Save $8.50)
I'm not really sure what's going on with this USB heated mouse pad. What animal is that meant to belong to? Why is it facing the wrong way? And is that meant to be a bone or a testicle at the end of it? It apparently heats up to 113 F, so clearly this is just going to make your hand incredibly sweaty.
And with that effortless segue, it's onto the hand lotion.
Gamer Goo | 20% off everything with coupon
This Black Friday, I have sadly been reminded that Gamer Goo, a hand lotion for gamers, is a real thing. It stops you sweating, comes in different scents and sounds gross. It's really incredibly mundane and normal, made weird and obnoxious by the gamer marketing. If you do find your sweaty palms getting in the way of gaming, it might be worth trying it out.
Andy Chalk surprised himself by actually liking it, and while the nonsense about giving you energy and focus is clearly just marketing guff, it's still practical and effective. Still, nobody wants to smear gamer goo on their body.
Lego Star Wars: Baby Yoda | £59.99 at Zavvi (UK) (Save £10)
Baby Yoda, known in The Mandalorian as The Child, is probably one of Disney's most important source of toys at the moment. The little goblin is undeniably adorable and the House of Mouse is making the most of it. This Lego Star Wars: The Mandalorian The Child building set, however, is a step too far.
What weirdo decided to give the thing realistic eyes? I can feel them peering into my soul. It's up to no good, I tell you. No good! I would not be remotely surprised to find several people bludgeoned to death by a small ball in the near future. You also get a little minifig version, though, and it's pretty cute.
'Futuristic' sunglasses | $6.99 at Amazon (Save $3)
Cyberpunk 2077 is still a couple of weeks away, but you can look like an idiot from the future right now with these futuristic shield sunglasses. People will naturally assume that you're recovering from eye surgery, but that's probably better than them knowing the truth.
In truth, I'm lashing out because I'd secretly like to wear these sunglasses, and a silver trench coat. The whole mess. Lockdown might be the perfect time for me to embrace a new style.
Welcome to Raccoon City sign | $8.89 at Amazon (Save $1.10)
What sort of vibe are you trying to put out with a beat up Welcome to Raccoon City sign? Who wants to commemorate the zombie plague that overtook this fictional town? "Looks great," says one Amazon reviewer. "Love it for my collection," says another. Maybe I'm just not enough of a Resident Evil fan to appreciate it.
Still better than a neon bar sign. Get that trash out of your living room.
A coffin | $29.99 at Amazon (Save $15)
Heck yes—finally something I can use. Or maybe not. Sadly, the Fun World 5 foot collapsible coffin is not suitable for anyone's funerary needs. Shockingly, the wood isn't even real. It's just fabric stretched over a wire frame. Just when Black Friday was looking up.
The customer Q&A section provides some insight. One prospective buyer wondered if a body could fit in it. "Not large enough for an adult," someone specified. Helpful! The reviews also warn that it is flimsy and not weather proof. But these are the sort of concessions you sometimes have to make when you're trying to get a bargain.