E3 press conference cliché checklist

We thought about writing an E3 press conference drinking game, but after about 10 minutes we realized that to play the game we were proposing would be irresponsible and unsafe. These things are simply going to happen too often to bring alcohol into it. So let's call it a checklist, and see if we can check everything off, with or without beverages.

There are over 50 E3 clichés and left field predictions on this list. We bet we'll be able to check off at least half of them, if not many more, by Tuesday. Whenever we have a break from writing news (don't count on that being often), we'll drop a ✔ by the winners. Here's the full E3 schedule so you know when and where to watch. Here we go...

All press conferences and streams

✔ "We've listened to your feedback." (Not verbatim, but close enough.)
•  "Blockbuster franchises."
✔  A game "transports us to new worlds," "inspires," or "pushes the boundaries."
✔ A guy explains what games mean and are.
✔ A hearty 'thank you' to the community, fans, or gamers at large. (Battlefront 2)
✔ Cheeky reference to something that leaked.
•  The person playing the game chokes.
✔ No one applauds after a pause for applause. (Here's one from FIFA 19.)
✔ No one laughs after a joke. (It doesn't count if only someone on stage laughs.)
✔ There's a stilted, staged conversation between teammates in a co-op demo.
✔ A celebrity looks like they don't want to be there. (Lil Yachty on his phone.)
•  Hand gestures suggesting the speaker has never used hands before.
✔ A trailer that features a stomp-clap song.
✔ A trailer that features a classic song covered at half-speed with haunting vocals. (Sea of Solitude)
•  Someone wears a Capitals, Warriors, or Cavs jersey on stage.
•  Terry Crews

EA Play

•  A streamer/YouTuber can’t find the teleprompter.
•  A Star Wars actor gives a prerecorded message.
✔ Battle royale. (Battlefield 5)
✔ If Madden is announced for PC, spike a beer and do a dance. (Great now there's beer everywhere.)
•  A sports game gets a new buzzword system.
•  A ‘community ambassador’ montage features streamers/’tubers overreacting.
•  It’s Darth Maul for some reason.
✔  A massive NFL/NBA/football star awkwardly interacts with the host. (Except it was with a Madden champ.)

Microsoft

•  Battle royale.
✔ Phil Spencer wears a videogame shirt. If he rips open another shirt to reveal it, chug whatever drink you're holding (please let it be healthy, delicious water). If he points to it and nods, chug again (there is a real likelihood of this happening, so please be responsible).
•  Someone says "4K" more than once in a sentence. 
✔  "Console exclusivity."
•  A car rises out of the stage, or is lowered from the ceiling.
•  We’re reminded that Minecraft exists.
✔ It's the end of the conference and Microsoft has no big games on the schedule for the rest of 2018 (except a Forza).

Bethesda

 ✔ Todd Howard swears.
✔ Pete Hines clasps his hands in front of his chest like a doctor delivering bad news.
•  Another kid montage.
✔ Skyrim is announced for a device or platform it has not yet come to.
✔ If The Elder Scrolls 6 is announced, delete Skyrim and never look back.
•  Battle royale.

Ubisoft

✔ If Yves Guillemot's smile makes you feel something, drink.
✔ They play games outside for some reason.
•  RABBIDS ARE BACK, BABY!
•  ...in a battle royale game.
✔ A dance routine that the audience isn't really sure how to react to.
✔ Someone smiles awkwardly after they throw to another segment and the camera stays on them.
✔ It's just kind of too much, you know?

Square Enix

✔  "Lara is one with the jungle."
•  Someone walks out with Thor’s hammer.
✔ It feels like the show was produced for E3 2009.
•  Battle royale.

The PC Gaming Show

✔ Wow, we really set ourselves up to make fun of our own show here.
✔ This is awkward.
✔ Plus, we already know what will be there, so it doesn't really work.
✔ We hope there are no technical issues, but we'll check this off if there are.
✔ Day[9] will be charming as usual.
✔ Look, a lot can go wrong at live events.
✔ They take a lot of work and it isn't nice to nitpick.
✔ Do some of our segments sometimes go on a little too long? OK, yes.
✔ But that's no reason for snide comments.
✔ A duck.
✔ Battle royale.

Sony

✔ A cold open music/light show. (OK it wasn't really a cold open, but the banjo...)
•  It's "all about the games."
•  "Never been a better time to be a gamer."
•  Battle royale.
✔ Some weird Death Stranding shit.
✔ If we actually see what appears to be a game with the name Death Stranding, and not just a weird movie, block Kojima on Twitter. (We did see walking.)