Remember on Seinfeld when Jerry dumped his girlfriend because she ate peas one at a time and Elaine broke up with her boyfriend because he didn't use an exclamation point when leaving her a note about her friend having a baby?
That's me in Watch Dogs Legion (opens in new tab).
Every single citizen in London can be recruited to your team of DedSec operatives (opens in new tab), but when choosing my crew I don't just look at their skills (opens in new tab). I scrutinize their personal biographies, which lists lots of little randomly generated details about their lives. Sure, someone may have a sweet unique melee weapon or a fast-hacking ability you can put to use when liberating the city, but what if you don't like them as a person?
I just can't help getting personal with my picks. None of these personal details have any effect on the gameplay, but that doesn't matter to me. If I'm going to bring someone into DedSec and play them as a character, I have to be comfortable in their skin, and a lot of people simply don't make the cut.
Here are the 12 pettiest reasons I didn't recruit someone to my team in Watch Dogs Legion based on some minor detail in their bios.
1. They threw up on a dodgems ride
I once threw up on pirate ship ride, and I also threw up moments after getting off one of these rides where you sit in a swing and just go around and around like a carousel. But dodgems are bumper cars. You just drive and bang into people. Who the hell is barfing on a bumper car? Weak sauce.
2. They regularly post superhero film spoilers online
The problem with the internet is there's a pointless contrarian backlash to everything. People complain about other people posting movie spoilers, and what happens? Other people start saying having movies spoiled is a good thing, actually! Anyway, no. Movie spoilers aren't good, and neither is this person.
3. They caught an STD from a member of DedSec
This citizen had a negative opinion of DedSec, and I can see why. I'm not judging them for having a sexually transmitted disease (apparently one of my current team has one), but I've got to contain the spread. We're trying to save London, and we can't do that if my entire team is in the doctor's office with enflamed genitals.
4. They searched the internet for "legal cannibalism"
I'm not the thought police (that's not true, I absolutely am) and searching for cannibalism isn't the same as eating someone, but this citizen's bio shows they also bought a restaurant-sized chest freezer. If they haven't eaten someone yet, they're going to eat someone soon. I guess this one isn't really that petty.
5. They were a primary science fair winner
Sounds innocuous, even laudable. Honestly, congratulations! But the issue here is that this citizen is 71 years old. If you're still clinging to a minor childhood victory at age 71, it's well past time to let it go. And if you really peaked in primary school, you might not be cut out to save the city.
6. They continue to write letters to Santa every year
Kids writing letters to Santa is cute, but by the time you're an adult you need to grow up and realize the truth: Santa is an immortal Elflord who knows when you're sleeping, awake, and if you've been bad or good. He doesn't need a letter to know what you want. He's telepathic. He's in your mind all the time. Duh.
7. They created a fake modeling agency to find an attractive date
If you need to invent a pretext for meeting people you find attractive, it's probably not in their best interest to date you. Speaking of Seinfeld, this definitely sounds like a George move. Hard pass.
8. They searched for "london mayor replaced by albion robot"
This is a tough call. If this person is aware they're a character in a Ubisoft game then suspecting the mayor is really a robot isn't that far-fetched. But if they think they live in the real world, then that's a ridiculous conspiracy theory that probably only 35 percent of the country actually believes.
9. They were fined for flytipping in the Thames River
In the US we'd call it illegal dumping, but Legion is introducing me to some fun UK terms. (Like "forcemeat." That sounds cool, whatever it is.) Anyway, this lady chucked garbage in the river—why would you ever do that?—and I'm chucking her off my recruitment list.
10. They weren't a registered voter
Look, you have to register to vote. And then you have to vote. I mean, you don't have to, because the thing about democracy that it gives you the freedom to not do stuff. But if you don't use the freedom to vote you might someday lose the freedom to vote. So vote! I don't care if you vote for the robot mayor of London, just get out there and take part.
11. They're caulrophobic
That means they're afraid of clowns. Don't be afraid of clowns. Carry a burning hatred of them in your heart because they're gross and not funny, but don't fear them.
12. They play games exclusively on consoles
Yeah, sorry. You're out. Nothing I can do.