The first thing you see when you load up Drug Dealer Simulator is a warning that it contains content "inappropriate for whining bitches", which should give you an idea of how serious its depiction of the drug trade is. The Wire this ain't. But to its credit, it isn't just a throwaway novelty like Goat Simulator or Table Manners either. There's an actual game here, and some interesting systems to tinker with, including being able to create your own drug concoctions.
I start the day by dropping Eddie, my cartel contact, a DM on ShadyComm, Drug Dealer Simulator's take on the deep web. Eddie says he's my "daddy, boss, and fuckin' wife in one person", which is nice. I ask for some weed and amphetamine, and he says he can have it ready for me to sell in 30 minutes. The writing and voice acting are hilarious, by the way. Unintentionally.
I can use this time to explore the streets a little, or just hit the T key to wait, Skyrim-style. Drug Dealer Simulator is set on the graffiti-smudged streets of some anonymous, possibly American city. But it's, uh, not entirely convincing. I get a message from Eddie, who says the drugs are waiting for me in a dead drop in a nearby industrial area, hidden under some pallets.
Dead drops are a way of distancing the dealer from the supplier, but take too long to find them and they can be stolen. Luckily I reach Eddie's stack of pallets in time and grab my speed 'n' weed. But before I hit the streets, I have a plan to maximise my profits. I stop in at a nearby gas station and stock up on baking powder, then head back to my crummy little apartment.
Here you'll find a mixing table, which lets you combine different substances to make new ones. In my case, I chop the amphetamine up with the baking powder, doubling my stash. I'm not sure if the people I'm selling to will notice, but if they don't, I stand to make some tidy profit here. The mixture is 54.4% baking soda, 45.5% speed, so it's not a total ripoff... right?
I'm asked to give this new creation a name, and I think about that episode of The Wire where Stringer Bell rebrands his weak dope as 'WMD' ("It will mass destruct your ass") to fool people into thinking it's better than it is. In that spirit, I call mine Super Amphetamine. Then I hit ShadyComm, where a chap named Kamil Chappe says he's in the market for some speed.
I find Mr. Chappe lurking in a kid's playground, but luckily there don't seem to be any children in this city. I approach and he says "Hi. You the dealer?" Now, I'm no expert, but this seems like a bad idea. What if I'm an undercover cop? Or just someone asking for directions? Lucky for him I'm neither.
I hand over a bag of Super Amphetamine, which he could also use to make some nice Irish soda bread if he fancied. He pays me and walks away. Sucker. But on my way back to my apartment, I spot a few cops in riot gear up ahead. I start to run, but it's too late. They stop me and search my backpack, confiscating my money and drugs. At least they left me the baking powder.
I don't think I'm cut out to be a drug kingpin. At least this game's version of one. Drug Dealer Simulator is ugly, dumb, and kinda clunky, but there's something strangely compelling about it. It's clear some effort has gone into its systems, which is more than I can say for a lot of games with simulator in the title. If you like the sound of it, you can buy it for $15 on Steam right now.