It's Thursday morning, you've been up late playing the hot new game, Cyberpunk 2077 (opens in new tab), so you're a bit sleepy, but now you've got to come up with some scintillating content for the website you work for—what the heck are you going to do? No, really, I need some advice or I'm just going to write about dicks.
Fine. Dicks it is.
Tucked away in Cyberpunk 2077's character customisation menu are several options that allow you to sculpt your very own cybercock or digivag, independent of all the other choices you make. There's only one kind of vagina in this dystopian future, unfortunately, but there are two kinds of dick, and they both come in various sizes. The future is here!
You can pick either a circumcised or uncircumcised wang, and then fiddle around with the size. Impressively, CD Projekt Red has included literally every conceivable penis type: small, big and default. Everyone's covered! Even the little fella has some heft to it thanks to the willy physics. And once you're done picking, you can even move onto the pubic hair, maybe giving yourself a wee love heart or a strip.
Unfortunately, you can't please everyone.
forgot I followed this subreddit pic.twitter.com/FzlUIJYSbMDecember 10, 2020
The Witcher 3 has plenty of bedroom (and unicorn) shenanigans, and of course it's the source of our beloved Tub Geralt, but we never even get a glimpse of his undoubtedly very pale penis, so this is one area where Cyberpunk has its predecessor beat—but there's stiff competition from another game.
Conan Exiles (opens in new tab), Funcom's loincloth-loving survival romp, has the cock market cornered. When it launched in Early Access back in 2017, it transfixed the world with its schlong slider, truly letting us capture all the variety and vibrancy of trouser trunks. With a slider, anything is possible. Want your barbarian to proudly flaunt a wee nub? Go ahead! Want to intimidate your foes with something the size of a forearm? Do it! Hours and hours of fun.
Watch Chris playing with his below.
NSFW but Conan Exiles has an endowment slider. Big dong, little dong, big dong, little dong pic.twitter.com/MNgGsmlv32January 30, 2017
And here's an action shot.
NSFW, more cock & balls from Conan Exile. I hope this is earning me XP pic.twitter.com/159udrkgIpJanuary 30, 2017
This was all the way back in 2017! We had the technology then! Given all the glaring bugs (opens in new tab) Cyberpunk launched with, CDPR no doubt had other things to worry about instead of giving us more diverse genitals. It's still a shame, though, especially since you'll probably end up seeing that penis quite a lot.
See, your penis can appear at unexpected times, like when you're just changing your gear. There you are, trying on a new top, or maybe selecting a new gun, and then BOOM, your cock is just out there, flapping around. V's breasts will sometimes clip through their top, too, and sometimes they'll suddenly be naked. Night City is a wild place.
Is it a bug? Is it a feature? I guess we'll find out when we see the next patch's changelog.
Even with Cyberpunk's magical members, Conan is the clear winner here. Well done, Conan. I think we can all agree that sliders are the way to go when it comes to penis customisation. It's a big victory for fantasy over science fiction. And if you're currently trying to make your own V, remember that your choices are permanent. Despite augmenting your body being a pretty major theme of Cyberpunk, you can't even give yourself a new haircut, let alone a new knob.