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Comparing the penises of Cyberpunk 2077 and Conan Exiles, for some reason

Cyberpunk 2077 character customisation
(Image credit: CD Projekt)
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It's Thursday morning, you've been up late playing the hot new game, Cyberpunk 2077, so you're a bit sleepy, but now you've got to come up with some scintillating content for the website you work for—what the heck are you going to do? No, really, I need some advice or I'm just going to write about dicks. 

Fine. Dicks it is. 

Tucked away in Cyberpunk 2077's character customisation menu are several options that allow you to sculpt your very own cybercock or digivag, independent of all the other choices you make. There's only one kind of vagina in this dystopian future, unfortunately, but there are two kinds of dick, and they both come in various sizes. The future is here! 

(Image credit: CD Projekt Red)

You can pick either a circumcised or uncircumcised wang, and then fiddle around with the size. Impressively, CD Projekt Red has included literally every conceivable penis type: small, big and default. Everyone's covered! Even the little fella has some heft to it thanks to the willy physics. And once you're done picking, you can even move onto the pubic hair, maybe giving yourself a wee love heart or a strip. 

Unfortunately, you can't please everyone. 

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The Witcher 3 has plenty of bedroom (and unicorn) shenanigans, and of course it's the source of our beloved Tub Geralt, but we never even get a glimpse of his undoubtedly very pale penis, so this is one area where Cyberpunk has its predecessor beat—but there's stiff competition from another game. 

Conan Exiles, Funcom's loincloth-loving survival romp, has the cock market cornered. When it launched in Early Access back in 2017, it transfixed the world with its schlong slider, truly letting us capture all the variety and vibrancy of trouser trunks. With a slider, anything is possible. Want your barbarian to proudly flaunt a wee nub? Go ahead! Want to intimidate your foes with something the size of a forearm? Do it! Hours and hours of fun. 

Watch Chris playing with his below.

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And here's an action shot. 

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This was all the way back in 2017! We had the technology then! Given all the glaring bugs Cyberpunk launched with, CDPR no doubt had other things to worry about instead of giving us more diverse genitals. It's still a shame, though, especially since you'll probably end up seeing that penis quite a lot. 

See, your penis can appear at unexpected times, like when you're just changing your gear. There you are, trying on a new top, or maybe selecting a new gun, and then BOOM, your cock is just out there, flapping around. V's breasts will sometimes clip through their top, too, and sometimes they'll suddenly be naked. Night City is a wild place. 

Cyberpunk 2077 Magic Penis Bug? from r/xqcow

Is it a bug? Is it a feature? I guess we'll find out when we see the next patch's changelog. 

Even with Cyberpunk's magical members, Conan is the clear winner here. Well done, Conan. I think we can all agree that sliders are the way to go when it comes to penis customisation. It's a big victory for fantasy over science fiction. And if you're currently trying to make your own V, remember that your choices are permanent. Despite augmenting your body being a pretty major theme of Cyberpunk, you can't even give yourself a new haircut, let alone a new knob. 

Fraser Brown

Fraser is the UK online editor and has actually met The Internet in person. With over a decade of experience, he's been around the block a few times, serving as a freelancer, news editor and prolific reviewer. Strategy games have been a 30-year-long obsession, from tiny RTSs to sprawling political sims, and he never turns down the chance to rave about Total War or Crusader Kings. He's also been known to set up shop in the latest MMO and likes to wind down with an endlessly deep, systemic RPG. These days, when he's not editing, he can usually be found writing features that are 1,000 words too long. He thinks labradoodles are the best dogs but doesn't get to write about them much.