The Hitman beta ran over the weekend, and a lot of people finally got a chance to play around in Io’s latest iteration of the assassination sandbox. Plenty of funny videos and GIFs showcasing the troublesome physics and dull AI surfaced right away, because this is the internet, but the lack of creative kill videos in comparison has us a tad concerned. Then again, what are betas for anyway? Quality assurance aside, here’s a spoonful of goofy sugar to help the medicine go down.
Hitman has a ragdoll problem
Watching this man disappear into a bunk bed and a tangle of his own limbs snapping in and out of existence is a familiar sight. Physics can go a bit wonky, especially in betas. Ragdolls happen. That’s life. What’s one ragdoll anyway? A couple limbs defying physics, space? Psh. A real assassin knows when to shoot and when to forgive.
Full polish, no wax, clean run
Contracts mode is going to be so sick. Check out this absolutely ill run of one player taking out millions of germs at once like it’s nothing. It's no surprise a crowd gathered to check out his germ-slaying skills.
Videogames are ART
Yeah! Yeah. (Thanks for the header image, art.)
Don’t quit your day job, Mister Security Guard
If I learned one thing from sneaking out as a teen, it was to always skirt directly behind my dad. Grown men cannot see behind themselves. This might be the first game since the original Metal Gear to accurately portray grown men's sensory perception! Great job.
Agent 47 and a stranger do the Pain Dimension Dance
The assassination scene got weird over the last couple of years. Are those arms? Are tho—OK, we’re OK. Just please. No more. Thanks to one our readers, Mangoman65 for this hell-gem, even if the shaky cam screen makes me feel like I'm seeing something I shouldn't. Shivers.
Intermission: Silent Assassin Suit Only Run Overture
There’s no joke here. This is just someone that is pretty good at Hitman. Look at them go.
Shoot for the stars
Check out this sick headshot, in which a real hitman shows us how it's done. Go back to CoD if you don't have the skills to transfer headshot energy into vertical thrust.
Truly, this is ragdoll hell
The mark of a true Hitman is his ability to disassemble his target on a molecular level while a black hole forms in their enemy’s heart. Watch the whole thing here, if you can stomach a digital man screaming in anguish as he meets God and is immediately brought back to the realm of the living, time and time again. Now there’s a black hole in my heart too.
Agent 47 throws an all-hitter
Baseball is a sport about getting along with people, about using teamwork to overcome your opponent. It’s about not hitting people with objects and about making sure they don’t hit the objects with their objects. As you can see in this video, assassination is all about hitting people with objects, as many as possible of all shapes and hefts, and without thought.
Mister Mechanic shows us the art of disguise
Some people are good at this game! This YouTuber has the second level figured out. It’s super impressive watching Agent 47 tear through and nail his target without issue. But the real joy in this clip? When that sweet little guy calls the player Mister Mechanic. I can’t stop laughing. I won’t stop laughing. The final hit is on me, with this innocent little joke bullet.