Fixed: Not having an article about PC gaming's funniest patch notes
Games are complicated things; often attempting to digitally replicate the systems and physics of our world. Sometimes this process goes horribly wrong. This leads to situations where developers are trying to fix familiar things that have broken in unusual ways: be it otherwise benign NPCs acting up, or objects doing what they were never designed to do.
As a result, we often get patch notes filled with things that, when taken out of context, are unintentionally hilarious. Here are some of our favourites, grabbed from genuine developer patch notes.
If you have some good ones to add, do suggest them in the comments.
Boiling Point: Road To Hell
- -Collision: grenades do not remain stuck in walls when launched, prisoners do not remain stuck in walls when delivered, trees have collision.
- -Fixed: dog does not cast shadows.
- -Fixed: a metal clanking sound plays, if the user's character stabs the curtains.
- -Optimized: Bodies of Drivers accumulate over time.
- -Too big moon has been readjusted.
- -Police station cannot be destroyed by a crossbow anymore.
Crusader Kings 2
- -All byzantine emperors will now have clothes regardless of what DLCs are enabled.
- -Can no longer press the create Hungary button multiple times.
- -No longer possible for AI to plot to assassinate self (unless they are a lunatic).
- -Celibate characters should no longer be worried about their conjugal lovelife.
- -Made Buddhist ambitions easier to fulfill.
- -Impregnation of lovers is now handled in the code.
- -The Hordes will now be more prone to head in the "right" direction.
- -Louis d'Evreux now has the correct mother.
- -Tweaked deathdate of Mubashir, Duke of Mallorca, and made him eunuch.
- -Fixed an issue with some plots where plotters did not get what they plotted for.
- -Babies don't start strapped with a knife.
- -Stopped vampires from pinning their crimes on babies and children.
- -Stopped zombie cats from adopting dwarves.
- -Stopped ghosts from maintaining secret identities.
- -Stopped dwarves from trying to clean their own missing or internal body parts.
- -Made strangulation take less time.
- -Demons masquerading as gods will try a little harder.
- -Adjusted value of bees
The Sims 3
- -Reduced the urge for neat Sims to put away fire pits.
- -Sims can no longer interview non-playable ghosts.
- -"Become Enemies with Child" wish no longer appears.
- -Toddler's body no longer deforms when "Watching TV" after "Learning to Talk."
- -Child Sims no longer deform after watching a concert.
- -A faint line is no longer visible on the heads of babies.
- -Fish are no longer duplicated in the fridge when moving homes.
- -Sims can no longer "Try for Baby" with the Grim Reaper.
- -Fixed an issue that could cause a teen to be trapped in a child’s body when travelling to the future at the exact moment of a birthday.
- -Fixed an issue that could cause the Time Traveler to catch on fire and not be able to be put out.
- -Mermaid Children can now take showers.
- -Sims that were turned into SimBots via an elixir will no longer revert back to human form after WooHoo in the Gypsy Caravan.
- -Sims no longer cuddle with inappropriate partners in tents.
- -There are now stricter relationship requirements for Woohooing with Sims in the Sarcophagus.
The Secret World
- -Cross-dimensional marketplace
- -Removed a renegade semicolon to appease the code gods
- -It is now impossible for players to make their characters nude
- -Certain heals will no longer generate hate on friendly targets
- -You are no longer able to get stuck between the bookcase and a chair in Dracula's Castle.
- -Added audio to Dr. Aldini's flesh sawing animation.
- -Movement speed while dead will now scale with your current rank of Sprinting.
- -Players will no longer have to move in order to stop dancing to the music from the boombox.
- -Survivors with bear arms are now less likely to become traitors.
- -Action: Players can now let themselves fall off ladders
- -Character: Added Kuru disease for eating raw Human Steak
- -Gear: Earthworms are now stackable
- -Player: You can now skin humans
- -Character: Will now say "My clothes are soaked" instead of "I am soaked" when Soaked
- -Animations: Fixed an issue where vomiting was not working properly with 2 handed melee weapons
- -Animations: Face-palm doesn't make the player stand up from prone anymore
- -Actions: Zucchini can be force fed
- -New Moon - Depending on the moon cycle night is no longer pitch black. We think this is a good thing.
- -Resources should maybe hopefully not kill you anymore while harvesting them.
- -Wildlife should not jump up and switch to random angles anymore.
- -Grass runs twice as fast as it used to.
- -Doors will no longer fly away.
- -Nudity and Censoring will display as pants, it’s being worked on.
- -Grass isn’t as tall anymore; it should perform better
- -Colors are now illegal
- -Fixed occasional issue where a guest would arrive to the player’s wedding dead.
- -Fixed a rare issue where player could become stuck in Night Mother's coffin during "Death Incarnate".
- -Fixed instance where player could get stuck in Japhet's Folly.
- -Fixed issue with NPCs sleeping with open eyes.
- -In To Kill an Empire, Gianna will now talk to player with certain diseases.
- -Fixed issue where transforming back to human from werewolf would occasionally fail.
- -Fixed rare instance of couriers who would appear only dressed in a hat.
- -Bugs introduced: Dragons occasionally flying backwards