Super Mario Galaxy Movie reviews are in and, surprise: it's execrable churn

I haven't seen the Super Mario Galaxy Movie and I won't because I'm an adult. But reviews were published earlier today, and it's difficult not to be curious about how the latest big game-to-film adaptation is faring. The short answer is: not very well.

The most impactful belongs to The Guardian, whose one-star review is scathing. "It’s now commonplace to compare programmatic stuff like this to AI, but this is almost a second evolutionary step downwards," writes Peter Bradshaw. "It looks as if humans, using AI, have tried to copy something that was originally AI generated, creating a bland, simplistic template that can be sold in all global territories where it can be dubbed by local voice talent. It’s certainly a way of gouging cash out of families for the Easter holidays."

The New York Times' critic detects a "flat empty nothingness" in the film, while Variety's Owen Gleiberman argues basically the same, but in different words: "Not a single one of these characters, including Mario and Luigi, occupies the center of The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. And that’s because the movie has no center."

The Times' Kevin Maher put his disenchantment very succinctly: "The film is torturous to sit through and, for me, provoked periods of actual physical discomfort."

Super Mario Galaxy Movie was clearly made to generate lots of revenue rather than enrich the interior lives of its impressionable young viewers, many of whom have media diets consisting almost entirely of soul-destroying vertical video slop. Unfortunately, this visit to the cinema won't offer much relief from their relentless exposure to meaninglessness, as the Independent's précis makes abundantly clear: "It’s a series of large, vaguely connected explosions."

Does anyone like the new Mario movie? Even the most positive reviews seem slightly icked about not trouncing it. "If 2023's The Super Mario Movie is the cinematic equivalent of World 1-1 – a safe, frictionless big-screen beginning for Nintendo's iconic mascot, The Super Mario Galaxy Movie does at least expand on a promising start with a starry sequel that sporadically lives up to the Galaxy moniker," Gamesradar's critic writes.

Meanwhile the Boston Globe confers a generous two stars while admitting that you'll probably never want to watch it again. "This is yet another big screen rehash of the Nintendo classics that will make you want to go play the games rather than watch this movie again."

A consistent point among the more positive reviews is that the movie does, at least, keep one occupied for the duration. "The movie’s speedy plot and 98-minute run time help keep boredom at bay," Polygon writes, while IGN's 6/10 review concedes that its viewers may enjoy the easter eggs and "wall-to-wall references".

Look, no amount of positivity is going to make me want to watch this churn. But if you happen to watch it, and want to get its horrible sugary aftertaste out of your mouth, may I recommend to you this nine-hour documentary about the slow decline of a Chinese industrial district.