***Update: The deals in this article have now expired, as they were specific to Amazon Prime Day***
Amazon Prime Day is a great time to find stellar deals, but when you spend all day picking through the sale like we have you inevitably stumble on some weird shit and some really bad deals. And we're not just talking lackluster discounts. We're talking products that should not exist. Yet, inexplicably, they do. We've seen them, and the memories will be burned into our minds forever.
Naturally, we have to share.
So we're rounding up some of our favorites so far and sharing them with you, so we can all have a laugh.
"Crazy Gamer" bed sheets
Nothing would cement your gamer cred more than adorning your mattress with these garish "Crazy Gamer" bed sheets. I can't even imagine the kind of person who would buy this, other than a misguided parent trying to appeal to their child's gaming hobby. Honestly, I'm surprised they even come in sizes bigger than Twin.
While searching around, we found no shortage of other groan-inducing gamer bed sheets. My personal favorite, though, are these sheets featuring an enormous generic controller. It's the Mad Catz of bed sheets and I hate it.
Dr Disrespect G-Fuel that will give you bright green diarrhea
If you ever wished you could be more like notorious Twitch streamer Dr Disrespect, G Fuel has you covered. With this powdered energy supplement "inspired by" the mustached-man himself, you'll find yourself overcome with the energy needed to be above average at battle royales, the focus necessary to be banned from Twitch for violating people's privacy in a public washroom, and the endurance required to navigate a weirdly public extra-marital affair.
Also, you might get bright green diarrhea.
While technically not an Amazon Prime Day deal I had to include this because there's dozens of Amazon reviews warning people about it. I'll let Amazon customer Brian do the talking:
"I skimmed over what other people thought and must have missed the part about it turning your poop green, and holy crap that's no joke. I thought it was the pizza I just ate, but this was like..... green green. I was confused for a few minutes trying to think of what would have made it that kind of green, then I remembered the only thing else I had was the gfuel, and looked at the reviews to see if anyone had any issues. Sure enough, couple reviews mentioned green poop. Doesn't seem to be anything harmful, but it's definitely strange."
A chicken warmer that I thought was a mouspad
No, seriously. When I first saw this on Amazon I thought it was a mousepad and I was confused why chickens were in the picture and then I realized it's actually a chicken heater, for when you want your chickens warm but not too warm.
But I don't think I'd trust it because I found a one-star review from someone claiming the heater melted and eight of their chickens died from smoke inhalation and now the coop is unusable because of the smell.
Clip-on gamer glasses
I'm sympathetic to anyone who would want tinted lenses to reduce the strain of staring at a monitor for too many hours, but clip-on shades like these ones died a deserving death years ago and they should stay dead.
This ugly-ass "gamer" headset
You'll find no shortage of hideous gaming headsets on Amazon Prime Day, so I'm not trying to single this one out in particular. But, my god, is it ugly. The combo of digital camo and orange LED and accents, coupled with its try-hard edgy design is borderline fatal. Also never spend $26 on a headset. Some things are worth spending a little extra on.
This even uglier folding gaming chair
Ah, yes, I love it when my plastic-looking folding gaming chair has "100 percent audio immersion."
Picture this: You have some friends over for a lovely visit and, half-way through your chat you ask if they'd like a snack. I have macarons, you say, presenting them these colorful, delicious treats. They delicately take one and, thanking you, bite into it.
Idiot, you cackle as they recoil in confusion, those are fake macarons, which I purchased on Amazon months ago for $13.59, all in preparation for this glorious moment of tomfoolery!
Ha, ha. You sure made them look stupid.
Game of Thrones Season 1 - 3
Actually, if there's one item on this list you should buy it is this box set of Game of Thrones' first three seasons. This way you can just pretend the other seasons never happened and the show is still good.
This USB stick trying to pretend it's not just a USB stick
Behold, a $100 64 GB USB stick desperately trying to pretend that it's not just a USB stick. The Picture Keeper Connect is clearly aimed at people who don't know what cloud storage is and think putting all of your beloved photos on a USB stick is a safer way of storing them, which appears to not be the case given that 22 percent of its reviewers gave it one star due to its tendency to stop working. Please don't buy this.
This weird doggie web cam that throws dog treats
I completely sympathize with wanting a device to monitor your animal while you're away, but this Furbo Dog Camera is gimmicky and dumb. Some of its features are so over-designed, like its "2-Way Audio & BARKING ALERT." I'm pretty sure my dog would be terrified if it heard my detached voice coming from a strange machine in the living room.
More concerning, though, is the one-star reviews complaining that the app charges you for premium features like the aforementioned Bark Alert. That's ridiculous.
This mousepad featuring a corgi's asshole
The only thing creepier than this mousepad are the reviews from people that love it:
"I really love this mousepad. It makes me happy just seeing the little corgi butt!"
"I got this for my wife in her new office. She thought it was a little bit weird resting her hand on a dog butt, but said it actually very comfortable on her wrist when she settles into the butt crack. Would buy this again."
"I was so excited to use this at work, but after 3 days the butt busted open."
Happy shopping, everyone.