Note: The gifs embedded in this story contain full frontal male nudity of the video game variety.
Back when Conan Exiles first entered Steam Early Access, we were transfixed by its endowment slider (which allowed you to adjust the size of your character's penis) and its physics, which made said penis—and testicles—jiggle around when you ran, jumped, and squatted. We weren't the only ones hypnotized: noted musician and animator Weebl wrote a song and made a music video about it.
Seeing this morning that the latest Conan Exiles patch added 50 new emotes, including some that involved dancing, I found myself wondering how the physics-enabled junk behaved when subjected to a series of acrobatic dance moves.
Dancing with your little barbarian hanging out looked about you would expect—floppy—and frankly, all these months later, the novelty of seeing balls and dicks jiggling in a game has somewhat worn off. But while my character was dancing, I started running, at which point I noticed the dance emote was continuing uninterrupted. You can apparently run while dancing, and when you combine that with full frontal nudity of Conan Exiles... oh my god no. NO.
First, here's what one of the dancing emotes looks like while standing stationary and wearing clothing.
Now, let's see how it looks while running, sans clothes. It's disturbing. See below, if you dare.
Strange to say, but I barely even notice the hog and bawlz at this point, it's more the horror of the limbs folding into themselves, the legs continuing to pump despite having sunk inside the jutting pelvis, the back bowing 180 degrees the wrong way, and the entire upper body revolving independently of the lower body as if the devil from The Exorcist had been a bit more ambitious and didn't stop at the neck.
There are also some flirting emotes, but after witnessing the horrors of dancing while running, who could possibly be in the mood?