Note: this post contains several animated gifs of dongs and testicles from Conan Exiles, and those dongs and testicles are bouncing around all over the place, and changing sizes. There's some pretty extreme taint and buttcrack on display as well. Okay? Okay.
We got an early look today at Conan Exiles, Funcom's open world survival game, soon to arrive in Early Access. And with Conan comes a delivery of fresh meat. In the character creation menu, players can choose the level of nudity they want: none, partial—downstairs is covered but tops are topless—or full. You're also treated to an 'endowment' slider.
For players who choose a female body, the endowment slider predictably adjusts breast size. For the male body, it adjusts dong size. If you've opted for the Full Monty, sliding it back and forth quickly is more than a bit mesmerizing, and I find it nearly impossible to do so without hearing a slide-whistle in my head.
Proceed with caution.
NSFW but Conan Exiles has an endowment slider. Big dong, little dong, big dong, little dong pic.twitter.com/MNgGsmlv32January 30, 2017
Feeling comfortable with the video game nudity you just looked at? Then there's good news: there's a lot of it in Conan Exiles. Seeing as how you begin your adventure naked in a desert, you'll have plenty of time to admire your character's nude-as-hell bod as you attempt to make your way to safety.
What's more, Conan Exiles has a 'Vanity Camera', toggled by pressing V, which lets you examine your character from all angles. This is about the point in the game where you'll notice the dong-and-sack physics, provided by the Unreal 4 engine. Have a look.
NSFW, more cock & balls from Conan Exile. I hope this is earning me XP pic.twitter.com/159udrkgIpJanuary 30, 2017
warning, NSFW because of Conan Exile's cock & balls gif ok pic.twitter.com/H41VsIHy4jJanuary 30, 2017
Thank gosh was finally able to craft some clothing so i'm not completely naked (note: nsfw still cock & bawlz) pic.twitter.com/c7YFiGnyaxJanuary 30, 2017
If you're asking, the answer is yes. Yes, I did very nearly die of dehydration (in the game) while making gifs of my character's flopping pouch and jiggling wang. I can't help it! Physics are fun, cocks and balls are utterly ridiculous, and you just don't see them together in games that often. So I jumped, and squatted, and lurched, and ran, and turned, and hunched, all while taking in the majesty of a physics-enabled package.
Look, I promise I'll have a more substantial post on Conan Exiles in the near future. Presumably, the Early Access survival game has features and activities beyond watching your character's pipe and nuts jumping and jiggling all over the place. And hey, I did craft a shirt, but I'm making it a personal goal to never, ever wear pants.