It's Valentine's Day. The day where couples get to celebrate their love for one another and where the rest of us look forward to maybe, just maybe, finding someone that tolerates our bullshit. I promise that I'm not bitter about being single. I pinky promise, in fact. So as a laugh, I'm going to write out what it would be like to date all of Dark Souls' bosses.
While playing Dark Souls on-stream, my community and I had a good chuckle at the thought of dating Ornstein and Smough. If you had to, which would you pick as your boyfriend? There was a bit of back-and-forth about who would be the better spooner and who would give a better hug. And now here we are. So without further ado, it's time to introduce you to dating in Dark Souls.
You've been messaging Gar on Tinder for a bit. He's a little dry but you can't help but want to hear more about his exciting, "elevated" job. You get to the bar for your date, you sit, you order a drink while you wait. He comes strutting in in a grey jacket and wait… hold on. He's brought his mate. What is going on? Turns out Gar doesn't like going out alone and brought his friend, hoping you may have summoned a pal along too. You spend the majority of the night listening to them talk about bouldering.
You go on a park date because he has a couple cute dogs in his Hinge profile pictures. They look cute, so it's a good incentive to meet him. You get to the park and the dogs are on you in an instant. Barking, nudging, begging for pets, and honestly it's a little much. You can barely get to the guy because they're getting in the way and you're tripping yourself up on their leads. Capra is unfazed though and only has eyes for you. It's quite cute.
He's kind of an asshole, you know? Doesn't like you going out. Comes home after work and expects you to cook even though you've been working too. You're not even sure you remember how this romance started, but you're ready to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.
You date for a while but you realise he's an even shittier version of your ex, Asylum.
Hm, perhaps you have a type. At least Firesage had a bunch of nice candles and did a few magic tricks.
Alright, alright, there are so many jokes I could make about CD. If we're being honest though, he's kind of a pushover. He cares a lot about the people in his life, and took you on a lovely date to a spa. Just don't ever say a bad word about his mother or he might get a little heated.
She's great. Maybe the coolest person you've ever taken on a date, and if you're being honest you can't believe someone that pretty would ever be seen with you. Great fashion, ballet background, and a glittery giggle. She's a little fleeting though. Can't ever sit still, talks a lot about astrology, and if you take your eyes off her for a minute, she's probably floated off to see another mate. Lovely, but maybe not quite ready to settle down.
Me, me, me. It's all about "me" with Gaping Dragon. This dude just does not shut up. He's so mouthy you can barely get a word in edgeways. And not only does he take up a lot of your conversations, he also takes up a lot of room. Always takes up at least three quarters of your sofa, leaves his bag and all his belongings on your bed. Just a messy lad through and through. Any date with him is about him, and him alone, so enjoy nodding, smiling, and talking about his interest in Undead Burg's sewer system.
Taurus Demon loves the gym. This guy lifts and can do an impressive height of box jumps. He'll try to show you clips of his PBs, any opportunity he gets. Though he's very much into the gym and his health, he's not exactly interested in much else.
Sif is a wolf. I'm not even going to imagine dating a straight-up wolf, but I like the idea of living in a little cabin in the woods with your cool sword-wielding dog for the rest of your days.
Pinwheel is cheating on his wife and he's terrible at lying about it. You can see how nervous the guy is throughout your date. Though he'll sometimes get into talking about his research, he's always looking over his shoulder trying to make sure no one spots him. It's absolutely because he's not supposed to be here and he's probably got a family elsewhere. You even see a picture of his kid as it falls out of his wallet. What an asshole.
The Four Kings:
The Four Kings is the name of the band your new beau is part of. It's obviously styled after My Chemical Romance, though all members of the band would deny that at any opportunity. Your particular partner is infrequently seen without the rest of his bandmates, and most times you can see him are when he's at practice in his mum's basement. The music, you can't lie, kind of bangs.
Growing up, Nito was the quiet kind in class. He listened to Cannibal Corpse, and scribbled skeletons and ghosts in his margins of his work books. He got through school without really talking to anyone and no one really thought much of where he was going to end up. He's now a highly successful businessman with lots of "yes" men, willing to theoretically sell their soul just to sit at his table. In the quiet of the night, you suspect his interests are still somewhat disturbing but hey, he at least knows the best wine bars in town.
Dark Sun Gwyndolin:
You never meet Gwynie. You message for a while back and forth about your interests and she seems pretty cool. When you start getting close though, you spot that her photos are of an Instagram model and try to confront her about it. She immediately ghosts you. I guess it was all an illusion.
Chaos Witch Quelaag:
Quelaag is hot, which feels like an understatement. She's got long legs, great hair, and keeps a pet tarantula around she sometimes takes on walks. She's really cool, except that she always seems to be looking to borrow some money. You've heard she's actually been like that for a while, spending it on something or someone secret. You get the feeling that although you're on a date with her, she's almost always looking out for herself first and foremost. Cool, hot, and emotionally unavailable. Figures.
Stone-faced, but dedicated. Though you can't get much of a read on Golem easily, he's there for you. When he's committed, he's committed. He's kind, he's tall, but more than anything, he's clumsy. This guy will absolutely drop a glass of red wine on your carpet, or break a plate when washing up. He pays any fees to fix the mess but you have to have patience with the poor guy's antics.
Bed of Chaos:
She likes plants. You go to her apartment and it smells like soils and flowers. Sadly, she's not great at keeping plants alive so it also kind of smells like the rotting of overwatered cactuses she's desperately trying to revive. Bed is trying her very best, so you can't tell her she needs to repot her Birds of Paradise because that'll make her cry.
Seath the Scaleless:
Seath doesn't care about you too much. This guy takes you out to a really nice meal and spends a lot of time looking at his phone checking in on the stock market. It's only when the waiter winks at you that he becomes jealous and protective over what he rightfully thinks is his—gross. You try to talk about his family a couple of times, but none of them speak to him anymore after he came into a lot of money and property. You wonder how he got it all, but fear asking is a bad idea.
She loves anime. Her bed is more plushie than it is bed and she's on her way to becoming a furry you're pretty sure. She has at least three fake tails she's told you about, though she wouldn't dare wear them in public. Though Priscilla is lovely and well-meaning, you do get the feeling that she's grown up in a bubble and is a little immature. If you're being honest, you don't really date. You just hang out, eat ice cream, and talk about Demon Slayer.
Cent is a sweetheart, actually. He's even a little shy at first. You've had mutual friends for ages and you never paid too much attention to him. Cent always stood in the corners of rooms at parties, until you mentioned you like spicy food. Suddenly he was off, chatting with you about a dish he makes called lava noodles. You eventually try them and they make your stomach hurt for a week, but you're glad you could get Cent out of his shell just a little.
Ornstein and Smough:
These guys are best friends and you 'accidentally' manage to date them both. You started seeing Smough after you got hammered on a night out. He's tall and enjoys his job a lot. He didn't really like vegetables, and eats almost exclusively meat but he gave good, almost crushing, hugs. But then came along Ornstein. You can't describe it, but there was something electric about him. He gave you all the attention in the world and could spearhead any conversation with ease. You start seeing Ornstein behind Smough's back and when they find out, they agree it's all your fault and hate you now. Yeah, you kind of deserved that, but now you have to hide behind pillars whenever you see them in public.
Gwyn, Lord of Cinder:
You're sick of dating guys your age at this point. They're all immature and have very little life experience. But you're out at a bar and Gwyn offers to buy you a drink. He's older, and looks a little tired, like he's holding the whole world together or something, but he's nice. He's got a lot of experience and happens to be the CEO of a business empire he's been the custodian of for a very long time. Things don't work out because he's a bit controlling but honestly, those late nights listening to him play the piano were lovely while they lasted.