Ever since Valve opened Steam's gates to anyone with a hundred bucks and a game, the results of an innocent store search have changed dramatically. And, look, I'd love to write a comprehensive dive into holiday-themed games, but I have presents for nieces and nephews to wrap. I procrastinated.
So, I typed "Santa Claus" into Steam. This is what I found.
This game isn't out yet, but I'm very concerned by it. The first image is of a dead reindeer, which appears to have been axed by Santa. Santa does not kill reindeer. Do not believe these lies. Santa is a nice man who uses axes to chop wood for the furnaces that power his exploitative toy factories, not to chop up woodland animals. I guess it was a mistake to expect more from developer Sex Bomb Annihilation.
If you're still not convinced that Santa does not go around murdering reindeer, CSI: North Pole here is the opportunity to uncover the truth by finding objects among pictures of other objects. There also appears to be a wizard involved.
If I had to guess, it was the wizard who framed Santa, but I suppose it could also be the guy with claws who talks about how he's going to frame Santa. Only the Yuletide Detective can uncover the truth here.
This VR-only game appears to be a faithful simulation of the Santa Claus experience. Ringing a bell: check. I'm pretty sure he does that. Hucking presents into chimneys: sounds right. Spreading joy all across an Action Quake 2 server from 1998: That is Santa's job.
It's Santa! And he's a regular Santa wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! Excellent. I will not investigate this game any further.
The only game I know of that offers you the opportunity to "snog a snowman," Santa's Big Sack is the final game I clicked on after typing "Santa Claus" into Steam. At first, I thought it sounded wonderful: Santa's big sack must be full of presents for the whole world. How exciting! But then I realized that developer Great Idea Games has anything but great ideas.
Merry Christmas, you degenerates.