Ever since Valve opened Steam's gates to anyone with a hundred bucks and a game, the results of an innocent store search have changed dramatically. And, look, I'd love to write a comprehensive dive into holiday-themed games, but I have presents for nieces and nephews to wrap. I procrastinated.
So, I typed "Santa Claus" into Steam. This is what I found.
Father Xmas (opens in new tab)
This game isn't out yet, but I'm very concerned by it. The first image is of a dead reindeer, which appears to have been axed by Santa. Santa does not kill reindeer. Do not believe these lies. Santa is a nice man who uses axes to chop wood for the furnaces that power his exploitative toy factories, not to chop up woodland animals. I guess it was a mistake to expect more from developer Sex Bomb Annihilation.
Yuletide Legends: Who Framed Santa Claus (opens in new tab)
If you're still not convinced that Santa does not go around murdering reindeer, CSI: North Pole here is the opportunity to uncover the truth by finding objects among pictures of other objects. There also appears to be a wizard involved.
If I had to guess, it was the wizard who framed Santa, but I suppose it could also be the guy with claws who talks about how he's going to frame Santa. Only the Yuletide Detective can uncover the truth here.
Santa Simulator (opens in new tab)
This VR-only game appears to be a faithful simulation of the Santa Claus experience. Ringing a bell: check. I'm pretty sure he does that. Hucking presents into chimneys: sounds right. Spreading joy all across an Action Quake 2 server from 1998: That is Santa's job.
Zombie Claus (opens in new tab)
It's Santa! And he's a regular Santa wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! Excellent. I will not investigate this game any further.
Santa's Big Sack (opens in new tab)
The only game I know of that offers you the opportunity to "snog a snowman," Santa's Big Sack is the final game I clicked on after typing "Santa Claus" into Steam. At first, I thought it sounded wonderful: Santa's big sack must be full of presents for the whole world. How exciting! But then I realized that developer Great Idea Games has anything but great ideas.
Merry Christmas, you degenerates.