Surviving the post-apocalypse now in Survival: Postapocalypse Now

Survival: Postapocalypse Now is not messing around. It's crammed as many important words into its title as it can, not even stopping long enough to use a hyphen. If it included "Early Access" and "Probably Has Crafting" in the title too, you probably wouldn't have to even play it!

Actually, you don't have to play it. I did, though, because it's only five dollars! I just can't resist the temptation of inexpensive unfinished survival games. Here's how I spent my first hour.

I begin my post-apocalypse shirtless, with a baseball bat, standing on a road in a wooded area. A wolf that barks like a small-to-midsize lapdog charges me from the bushes. He's very cute, but clearly angry, so I whomp him a few times with my bat. He gets in one good bite, and my character screams ear-splittingly. I win, though, and the wolf-dog lies in a weird jiggly pile. I eat part of him.

I find a downed chopper with some food, supplies, and a revolver. While trying to figure out how to load it, I examine my inventory, which is now filled with ammo clips and... advice? Maybe advice is the currency here in the post-apocalypse. My advice: bring a shirt.

While looting an apartment block, I encounter another player. "Hello!" he says. "I'm friendly. Do you have a mic?" I do, but I don't know what key activates it and I can't access the options menu while playing. I hop up and down and crouch, hoping my body language will signify I'm also friendly. He seems to understand. We start looting together.

My new friend grows very protective of me. When we hear gunshots outside, he suggests I wait while he goes to check it out. "Don't worry... I have a gun," he says dramatically. I do to, though I haven't shown it to him, because I don't want to appear threatening, and also because I'm thinking about maybe shooting him at some point. He has a cool coat.

Eventually I become stuck in a doorway, and after several minutes of trying to free myself, I click the helpful "suicide" button on the menu. While dead, there's a 60 second respawn timer, and I discover I can cycle through the other players, which is fun. I watch a tattooed player rifle through some drawers in his drawers.

Speaking of drawers, all the individual drawers in the game can be open and closed when you're looting. I find this more fun than DayZ, where stuff is just sitting on surfaces, and H1Z1 where you're simply shown a timer while searching cabinets. It's the little things that make the post-apocalypse worth surviving.

While in a house, I hear footsteps outside. Still unsure of how to communicate, I decide to let my bat do the talking. We trade blows, both of us comically shrieking when we get hit. I win and he flops weirdly to the ground. I encounter another guy outside and beat him to death too. I think I'm winning, a rarity in any game.

I find some food and drink, which is good because my status was "LowHungry" and "LowThristy," a dangerous state (I think?) for any half-naked man in the post-apocalypse. I also realize I have no actual evidence that this really is the post-apocalypse. As far as I can tell, we're just a group of assholes running around murdering each other.

Opening and closing drawers has led me to a shotgun and some shells. I come across a man who's killed a wolf-dog, and blast him in the back. I eat the dead dog and scour another building, finding a revolver and a few rounds. I'm definitely winning.

Another survivor invades the building I'm looting, and I pump a few rounds into him. My last few rounds, as it turns out. I fumble around with my inventory, trying to unload clips and find bullets for my guns. No luck. I'm back to bats.

Finally, I run into a more skilled batsman, and I die. While I wait to respawn I stare down at my precious collection of ammo, weapons, and advice scattered near my twisted body. No one loots it, but when I respawn I'm nowhere near my corpse. It's really not a lie when I say I've done better at this game than pretty much any other survival game, ever.

Well, Survival: Postapocalypse Now obviously isn't much to look at, even with the settings turned up to "Fantastic." It's a bit buggy, being Early Access and all, but it runs really well, it's a definite bargain at $5, and I had a good time being the biggest survival jerk I've ever been.