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Read the news, turn on the TV, or glance at the internet, and one thing is abundantly clear: the world is headed straight for a tacopocalypse. It's only a matter of time before a disaster, man-made or natural, turns the world into a lawless hellscape where only the strongest and bravest can survive to deliver tacos in a speeding car while doing sick ramp stunts and trying to beat the clock. This is an indisputable fact.
Less factual, however, is Tacopocalypse, a stunt driving game about delivering tacos in the tacopocalypse. It's fun, sure. But is it an accurate depiction of our tacopocalyptic future? No. Here's what Tacopocolypse gets wrong about the impending tacopocalypse.
In the tacopocalypse, a single taco will be worth millions of dollars, not a few cents
When civilization crumbles, there's always something that becomes more valuable than anything else. Sometimes it's gasoline. Sometimes it's James' favorite snack: water. In Fallout, it's bottle caps. There was that one time it was mail. Like, letters and shit. That was a really stupid one.
In the tacopocalypse, it's tacos. People want tacos, just like people want tacos now, and they don't want to go to the taco restaurant to get them. They want tacos delivered. And due to the constant tidal waves, tornadoes, and meteor strikes, a single taco will become nearly priceless.
In Tacopocalypse, however, a single taco delivery usually nets me less than a dollar. That's almost nothing, especially considering money is essentially devalued, so a taco, if anything, should cost at least $200 million.
Survivors of the tacopocalypse will not want their tacos delivered to a glowing circle ninety feet in the air
As the world descends into chaos, those who survive will do so by retreating into caves, bunkers, the wilderness, anywhere they might feel safer from bands of roving cannibals and murderers. They will, of course, still want tacos delivered to them, but to avoid attention of mutants and marauders, they won't advertise the location the taco should arrive at with an enormous glowing circle high in the air, marked with a giant spinning taco, visible for miles. That would tell all the warlords and raiders where the taco was about to be delivered. That's not the kind of attention you want.
Tidal waves knocking the delivery car into the air for a bunch of cool mid-air twists, however, is accurate.
Cars will not deliver three tacos at a time
Tacos are precious. There is no way that the owner of a taco business in the tacopocalpse will give a driver three tacos to be delivered at once. Only one taco will be released at a time, and not in a paper bag but in a steel briefcase chained to the driver's wrist. I can't believe I have to point this out.
Drivers will indeed do sick flips for points while delivering tacos but they won't do lengthy rail grinds
We all know that during the tacopocalypse, taco delivery drivers will do a bunch of sick jumps and tricks and flips. That's standard, widely-accepted tacopocalypse theory, verified by hard data and extensive computer simulations. We know there are ramps everywhere during the tacopocalypse, jump pads, volcanoes that blast you into the air, and cars will (of course) be able to double jump. Tacopocalypse the game gets this all perfectly correct.
But then it goes too far, adding in long, winding rail grinds. There's simply no evidence to suggest the existence of rails constructed throughout major cities that a driver could grind his car on like a skateboard. For Tacopocalypse 2, I hope the developers will stay a bit more grounded in reality.
Blasting 90s music will be punishable by death (hopefully)
There's a lot of 90s music in Tacopocalypse, but in the real tacopocalypse, as it is now, the 90s will be reviled as perhaps the worst decade for music ever and it will only be used for the purposes of torture. Listening to 90s music will be forbidden, and blasting it while delivering tacos will be punishable by death. Those who conspire to distribute 90s music will be banished to the Wasteland (known as the Bizkit Zone), where no tacos are ever delivered.