This is a chronicle of our absurd, canon-destroying playthrough of Star Wars Conquest , a mod for sandbox RPG Mount & Blade. Our campaign to ruin Star Wars appears each Tuesday.
Last week I received a missive from Mon Mothma, Rebel Commandress. Her invitation was exciting: an invitation to join the Rebel Alliance. I'd receive my own planet (okay, okay—technically just a moon) in exchange for swearing some trivial loyalty oath.
I push my crude transport ship all the way to Dantooine, avoiding major trouble along the way.
Well, that was easy. I'm now king of Dantooine Moon, which means I'll collect tax revenue each week from it. Free credits! However, the political consequences of becoming best buds with Mom Mon Mothma are big--my relations with the Galactic Empire plummet from a few negative points to a full -70 , the reputational equivalent of stealing all of the Empire's puppies. I am hated; for the first time, Empire-held corners of the galaxy will be outright dangerous to move through.
I leave Dantooine and do what any untrained, newly-appointed military leader would in my situation: I lead a wave of hooligan-style violence against whatever mid-level Empire forces I can find. I bring my 40-some gang of mixed Rebel, Hutt, droid and alien goons to bear. Hilariously, I also have Empire recruits in my army--Star Wars Conquest doesn't seem to care about faction relations when recruiting villagers from planets.
All this battle experience is tremendously useful. The troops that don't get annihilated by blaster fire (sorry, boys) rank up at an amazing rate; when a unit levels up in Star Wars Conquest, it upgrades to an entirely new class. Rebel Recruits eventually become Rebel Pilots, who inexplicably ride landspeeders of their own. My army quickly becomes more durable, but Conquest still feels like sci-fi Dynasty Warriors--I'm doing 90 percent of the killing.
With the battle earnings I invest in new weapons and some even tougher troops: HK droids, assassin droids, Mandalorian Crusaders…
...and and a lovely dress. Then I find a shipyard and go spaceship shopping.
Phew. Even modest upgrades over my current ship are thousands and thousands of credits. I'll have to make looting Empire planets my full time job to save up, but at least I have a goal to work toward.
I muddle around a bit before I get back to the grisly business of war lightsabering Stormtroopers in the face by the dozen. I find a familiar face on the planet Dac. I ask my fellow Rebel commander how the war's going for us.
Well, bummer , dude. I sift through the other dialogue options, and see that there's a Pazaak minigame buried in Star Wars Conquest. I challenge Ackbar to a few rounds of space blackjack.
Then I hunt down Obi-Wan to see if he's got any sunnier news to share about the war.
Obi-Wan, true to his peaceful nature, has offered me an assassination mission. “Give him what he deserves,” he schemes. Damn, Obi. I don't question Kenobi's bloodlust, thinking instead only of the reputation boost I'll earn from him for completing this task. I point my ship at Kuat, conveniently centered in Empire territory.
Before I reach Kuat, I notice I'm being tailed by an Empire ship--a star destroyer. Well, shucks. Who's ship is that?
Jesus . My tiny shuttle is too slow to pull away. I elect to fight on the nearby planet Endor, hoping spacious terrain will give me room to maneuver and survive.
Nope. Even keeping careful distance from ol' Palpy's ridiculous battalion, one of his two-hundred-and-nine troops guns me off my speeder horse. This is the last thing I see before I'm cut down.
Okay, maybe the dress was a bad idea.