The weirdest patch notes of 2017

The patch note is an underappreciated art form. Among the dry details of damage buffs and bug fixes are occasionally brilliant puns or revelatory details about the absurd complexity of videogames. Dwarf Fortress is the undisputed king of unintentionally hilarious updates ("Cleaned up the bear situation"), but we've also written about some of the all-time greats from Ark: Survival Evolved, Rust, and World of Warcraft.

Absurdity is always with us, though, and the good gods know we've needed every laugh we could find in 2017. To find the very best ones, I dove through the 2017 community updates and patch notes from all kinds of games. Deep, open-world survival games are always good for a laugh. After all, they model systems like pooping and sleeping, and a mention of "shitting the bed" is already 90 percent of a joke.

H1Z1

12/13

Blood effects have been changed back to the classic mist effect.

12/7

Toxic Cargo Pants have been updated to be more consistent

11/15

Shooting from a passenger seat should no longer result in hitting a teammate in the backseat.

8/29

Old rocks have been removed and replaced with new, varied rock formations.
Players should no longer fall out of their parachute.

7 Days to Die

via reddit user u/nettech09

10/26

Some general improvements to zombie jumping
Fixed: Snakes are fireproof

8/31

Fixed: Businessman Zombie when killed can have his head dislocated when he falls backwards
Fixed: Vultures can fly underwater
Fixed: Bears and wolves walk on water

8/04

Fixed: Wrong open sound on eviscerated remains
Fixed: Dysentery description does not mention that it is lethal

6/06

Added: Moldy Bread is a science crafting item
Changed: Fat zombie cops are bigger
Changed: Zombie soldiers are less generous with the rocket launchers
Fixed: Breaking down a car on the sloped road will create a hole in the world

Oxygen Not Included

10/5

Stress vomiting Duplicants infected with Hypothermia should no longer vomit "Hypothermia germs"

8/31

Fixed a crash that could occur if a Duplicant died while using a wash basin

3/02

Algae distillery has a much longer conversion interval
Duplicants no longer use the massage table during red alert

Ylands

12/9

Horse is no longer perceived as a threat when sleeping

Medieval Engineers

via reddit user u/zacrynix

12/12

Fixed a crash when you walk on the exact north pole.

11/28

The Janitor will now clean up any static grids in the center of the planet.

PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds

via reddit user u/beerye

12/27

Fixed the issue where the falling speed meter text was showing abnormally in Portuguese

12/11

Fixed the issue where player's footstep sound was silenced when player moved diagonally or wore particular shoes

12/8

Fixed the issue where while vaulting in FPP, player could look inside own body

Lone Echo

8/30

Repeatedly punching the dummies will no longer result in a crash. Swing away.

Prey

via reddit user u/everypostepic

8/2

Fixed crash when mimicking bass guitar in the Yellow Tulip.
Player can no longer bypass ceiling collision by mantling GLOO.
If the player manages to fully GLOO the greater mimic while it is in mid-lunge toward the player's face, the facegrab animation will no longer play and trap the player.

5/31

Superfruit no longer appears shrunken and flat when fully grown.

As I slogged deeper and deeper into the year, dozens of tabs open across three monitors and a laptop, I started to get a little delirious. It was in this moment that I fell in love with the long-suffering community managers and blog writers who compile patch notes. These poor people cry out for help with little quips, "just to see if anyone is still reading this." My friends: I see you, and I love you.

Astroneer

12/18

Fixed a few other instances of Client players getting stuck in a wheelie while driving a Rover in Multiplayer games.

10/12

Fixed an issue where Rovers would fly into space when loading a save from a rover seat

9/15

Fixed a rare crash, that according to engineers was “super weird, and something that should never occur,” involving the game trying to access non-existent Rover wheels.
Fixed an issue where items would go on a beautiful journey into space if not collected from an dead Astroneer before a second death occurs.

Hitman

via reddit user u/newbzoors

7/13

We've fixed an issue that could cause the toilet in the Marrakesh school to behave erratically after 47 kicks it onto Zaydan. This could occasionally result in 47's death. Seriously.

Total War: Warhammer

via reddit user u/flavahbeast

10/25

FIXED an issue with the AI proposing peace right after entering a war with the player
FIXED a staircase in Lothern Siege battle map which would cause chariots to spontaneously combust
FIXED CA Cinematics Team’s obsession with slaying High Elves. May require further testing…
FIXED Spearmen unit in Tor Elithis Rogue army T-Posing
Skavenslaves: more salt added to diet; now 25% more delicious

8/9