This is a chronicle of our absurd, canon-destroying playthrough of
Star Wars Conquest
, a mod for sandbox RPG Mount & Blade. Our campaign to ruin Star Wars appears each Tuesday.
It's always embarrassing to be defeated by the elderly.
Last week Emperor Palpatine gave me a lightsaber-whipping
on the wooded arena of Endor, gutting my army with his formidable gang of gutless thugs and fascists: Stormtroopers, Imperial Navy Troopers, and Imperial Pilots.
But I'd learned an important lesson: to gain renown in this war-torn universe, to survive, to bring glory and liberty to the Rebel forces, I was going to need my own formidable gang of gutless thugs and villains: Mandalorians, assassin droids, Wookiee warriors, and baby Rancors.
With recruitment as my goal, I get to work looting smaller civilian planets, which aren't typically defended in Star Wars Conquest. After a few hours of stealing melons and precious metal from helpless villagers (a menu action--I don't even have to get my hands dirty with in-game combat), I amass enough of a war chest to hire some A-grade space marauders.
Now 120-strong, I notice for the first time that Imperial ships in the galaxy are
from me rather than chasing me down at every opportunity. I want to use this force to put a dent in the Empire. I want to start knocking over planets and outposts.
I've never sieged before, so it's probably smart to start somewhere modest, and undefended. Somewhere remote, a vulnerable weak point in the otherwise broad, durable armor of the Empire, guarded by fewer and less experienced Imperial forces.
I elect to siege the Death Star. What can possibly go wrong? It's guarded by 278 troops.
does it get bloody.
ENDLESS TROOPER CARNAGE
. For the first time, reinforcements (presumably from my ship) join the battle mid-way to counter the enemy's own waves of reinforcements. My army and I kill an unprecedented 124 enemies, leaving only the commander alive--some doofus named High General Cassio Tagge, who I take captive.
I lose just seven of my warriors in the first fight--a
, two Mandalorian Crusaders, three Power Droids, and a brave Baby Rancor.
Yes! And whoa, I might get to
the Death Star? Holy shit. I'd love to say something encouraging to my troops along the lines of "Great shot, that was one in a million," but the reality is that my untiring, undiscriminating lightsaber swinging was what turned the tide. My success in battle is directly proportionate to my ability to spam the left mouse button.
The battle won, I allow myself a moment of celebration. I walk the bridge of the Death Star, now sentried by friendly Rebel guards.
My power is endless
. I upgrade my troops, give them a bit of time to heal, then move on to neighboring planet Endor, which is actually even more heavily defended than the Death Star. Luckily, I find some help on the surface.
I take Endor in a similar rout. It isn't easy, but finally having competent, durable troops makes a massive difference. Endor flips to Rebel colors, and a bit later I get a message from Mon Mothma.
Hmmph. I get a similar message about the Death Star, which is gifted to
, then. I see how this organization works. At least I know the value of capturing the Empire's spherical mega-weapon you've all been plotting tirelessly to destroy.
Feeling under-appreciated, I stroll away from that corner of the system, and stumble into the biggest formation of ships I've ever seen in Star Wars Conquest. Nine Rebel ships roll in formation from an outpost, including Mon Mothma's flagship. They seem to be crawling the galaxy, knocking over planets. I join the mob, wondering where this massive war party will take me.