The following imaginary people are among the most hateful, irritating, irksome, and maddening in gaming history. But there’s a chance you might love some of them. So I can only apologise in advance. In the vast pantheon of video game characters, these are the ones I want to punch the hardest.
Nazeem (The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)
This Redguard wanders the town of Whiterun making pompous remarks. "Do you get to the Cloud District very often?” asks the self-important git. “Oh, what am I saying, of course you don't." Grr. Serve him some sweet mod justice.
People genuinely love this dancing metal buffoon, and I’ll never understand why. His screeching, nasal, robotic voice cuts through me like a mind-knife every time I hear it. In a game filled with guns, I want to shoot him most of all.
Jason Brody (Far Cry 3)
I enjoyed FC3, despite having one of the most hateful heroes in gaming history. I didn’t care one bit about this punchable frat boy and his gang of smug friends, and I would’ve been happier if Vaas threw them all in the ocean.
Lord Binky the Buffoon (Baldur’s Gate)
It was a toss-up between this guy and BG’s other irritant, Noober. Lord Binky, dressed in ludicrous fluorescent clothes, mocks you repeatedly when you talk to him. Confront him about it and he’ll accuse /you/ of mocking /him/.
Roman Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV)
“Cousin! Let’s go bowling!” Anyone who played GTA IV will understand the pain of having Niko’s obnoxious brother calling constantly to hang out. At least you can shut him up permanently by choosing the ‘deal’ ending.
Barry Wheeler (Alan Wake)
I love Alan Wake, but there’s nothing but hatred in my heart for Barry, Wake’s braying agent. Who thought that a bad Joe Pesci impersonator would enhance the mood of this otherwise excellently creepy Pacific Northwest horror?
Heidegger (Final Fantasy VII)
This villain works for the evil Shinra corporation and whenever you meet him, he lets rip with a mightily annoying laugh: “Gya haa haa haa!” Even in an entirely text-based game with no voice acting, it’s infuriating.
Johnny Cage (Mortal Kombat)
I mean, come on, /look/ at him. Anyone who tattoos their own name on themselves and wears sunglasses indoors deserves the worst fatality imaginable. Yeah, he’s supposed to be a narcissistic jerk, but still. Get in the sea.
Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)
I don’t have anything against Ashley as a character. She is, after all, lost in a strange country and surrounded by monsters. But the fact that she’s constantly bumbling into trouble and getting herself killed makes me loathe her.
Squall (Final Fantasy VIII)
Controversial opinion time: this is my favourite Final Fantasy. But that doesn’t mean I don’t agree with one of its biggest criticisms: that its hero, Squall Leonhart, is a miserable personality vacuum. Nice costume, though.
Adoring Fan (The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion)
If you become the Grand Champion of Oblivion’s arena side-quest, this chirpy wood elf becomes enamoured with you, and won’t stop following you around. But even if you kill him, he respawns after three days. He’s unstoppable.
Ashley Williams (Mass Effect)
There are a few Ashley fans, some of whom I know personally, who will hate me for this, but c’mon, she’s a big space-racist. She’s a bit less annoying when she returns in Mass Effect 3, but only marginally. Save Kaidan.