Great moments in PC gaming: Stabbing my cousin in the face in Crusader Kings 3

A king on a crusade holds his sword aloft.
(Image credit: Paradox Interactive)

Great moments in PC gaming are bite-sized celebrations of some of our favorite gaming memories.

Crusader Kings 3

(Image credit: Paradox)

Developer: Paradox
Year: 2020

Death and betrayal aren't new concepts in Crusader Kings 3—you probably spent the majority of its predecessor doing much the same—but the random events that can occur make some deaths that extra bit special. What made this particular death even more memorable is that it's definitely something that's happened during Scotland's tumultuous feudal history, or maybe even last weekend. Let me set the scene:

After clawing back more land from the English and Nords, King Malcolm III of Scotland decides, "You know what? I'm going to have a party!" Inviting his nearest and dearest to celebrate his success, he puts on a great spread. As King, he has ample good booze for the festivities. Malcolm can be a little hot-headed at times—OK, he has the Wrathful, Cynical, and Arrogant traits, so bear with me here—but overall, he's enjoying the vibes. Except that Malcolm's shitty cousin, the gobby Gospatric, has decided to come over to tease him while he's trying to have a royal piss.

This is where things get ever-so-slightly out of hand. Gospatric doesn't even get to finish calling Malcolm a "rattling coxcomb" before Malcolm stabs him—in the FACE. Mid-piss, this guy stabs his cousin right in the coupon. Didn't even hesitate. What's worse—the game didn't even give me a choice. I had no part in the face-stabbing bonanza. It took a solid five minutes of wheezing laughter before I could make the next decision.

This next decision was slightly less shocking, but made sense given the circumstances. You see, Malcolm's son, Malcolm IV, watched the whole thing go down. You can either beg him not to tell anyone, which he will begrudgingly do, or you can kill him as well while quipping, "Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!" The casual humour around this affair and others like it is what makes Crusader Kings 3's random events so enjoyable. 

A split-second decision like this can change the course of your entire game. Though he was sworn to silence, Malcolm IV was a dick to the King from then on, so he had everything taken off him and was practically excommunicated from the family.

Sounds about right for Scotland in 20—I mean, 1066.

Guides Editor

The first three games Lauren played on PC were Star Wars: X-Wing, Zoo Tycoon and Barbie Fashion Designer, which explains her love of all things space, strategy and aesthetically pleasing. Lauren recently took over as PC Gamer's Guides Editor after three years of writing many dozens of Destiny 2 guides at VG247, as well as casually trying to shoehorn in The Witcher 3 articles wherever possible. When she's not trying to force everyone to play as a Warlock in Destiny 2, Lauren is either mastering her SEO abilities to help smash the competition, or patting one of her red sons.