Saturday Crapshoot: Castle Knatterfels: Curse Of The Zombie Krauts

Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. This week, Nazi zombies once again run amok in a spooky German castle full of mad necroscience... but it sure as hell 'aint Wolfenstein this time around.

Castle Knatterfels - Knatterfels being German for "Worst Shooter Ever" - is a game that really makes you think. "I think my clicking finger is falling off," for instance. "I wonder what asbestos tastes like," from time to time. Mostly though, "What were they thinking?" Aside from "Heh, boobies," obviously.

Wolf-Whistlenstein 3D here has a good claim to being one of the dumbest games ever, in every sense of the word. It's one of those games that figures its audience will be so excited by the opportunity to see not even badly rendered nudity, but badly rendered lingerie, that the interconnecting tissue (Kleenex, presumably) doesn't matter even a little. It goes one step beyond most though, by putting what we have to charitably call 'the good stuff' on the death screen to be browsed at leisure, thus removing any need to actually descend into this nadir of fun and discover that the ending walks off with a Guinness World Record for being even lazier than what preceded it. This is actually quite an achievement...

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Operation Wolfenstein here starts with the longest, most pointless text scroll since the Uwe Boll classic Alone In The Dark - and if you want to read the whole thing, click the snippet above and then go find purpose in your life. Volunteer at Cat Rescue, for instance. Donate a pint or two of your blood to my proposed Greatest Water Balloon Fight Ever. Your call.

In summary though, you are world-renowned porn photographer Huge Beefner, and that is your real name, creator of the internationally renowned jazz mag CASTLE MAIDEN. The Playboy Mansion? Pah! Everyone knows it doesn't get sexier than giant spooky castles full of Nazi science. Either that or this game's creators had heard the goth scene was big, but thought everyone meant the Vizigoths.

If you re the best the Third Reich has to offer we re officially renaming your leader Adolf Shitler

If you're the best the Third Reich has to offer, we're officially renaming your leader Adolf Shitler.

This is genuinely the story here, and of course, while the this game - or more likely, the game's translator - saw no problem with the whole "Curse Of The Zombie Krauts" thing, the sexy side soon ends up being a sheepish and nervous as these things always seem to be. There's no actual nudity, just girls in bikinis that clearly don't fit - just check the image above for that. Its attempts to sound edgy are just... well... sad. "Mansfield, Monroe, Russell - I have photographed them all for my magazine, in the scantiest clothing imaginable!" boasts the intro. "It goes with the job that I have a jet set lifestyle - or do you think you can find women like that in the hamburger joint on the corner?"

Please. Church groups hit the beach in skimpier bikinis than this, and that's just the vicars!

Half naked doesn t mean as much when everyone else is stripped to the bone

Half-naked doesn't mean as much when everyone else is stripped to the bone.

Much like ancient John Goodman movie King Ralph, everything goes wrong when a lighting rig causes a short circuit, only this time spawning an army of the undead instead of a terrible comedy. Your mileage may vary on which is worse, but the result ends up being less Wolfenstein than Operation Wolf.

There is a chance that what follows may look like a fun blast. It is not.

You may have felt your mouse-clicking finger twitch in sympathy during that. If so, it is psychically appreciated. Castle Knatterfels is level after level of pure endurance, taking the simplest shooting gallery concept imaginable, adding girls in bikinis popping up as if to go "Toasty!" every now and again, and somehow managing to be more pointless than a blank box saying "SEXY GOES HERE".

(Especially later on, when you're routinely gunning down zombie bikini girls, at which point they only serve to waste your precious ammo. Get out of the way, idiots! And put some clothes on!)

What s that You re trying to kill me with an axe Come a bit closer sweetie

What's that? You're trying to kill me with an axe? Come a bit closer, sweetie...

How many ways does this game suck? Let's see. For starters, enemies don't actually move or throw any kind of projectile that you might be able to deal with. A zombie will spring up miles away and wave his hand, and that seems to count as a hit. Stages always scroll, so you've got thing popping up all over the place whether you're looking at them or not and cover does absolutely nothing to protect you. Weapons have painfully little ammo, and pick-ups only give bullets to the gun you're using. As for those guns, automatic weapons... well, aren't. There's a reason most of these games default to using a chunky machine gun and let players spray indiscriminately like they're in a music festival Portakabin. It means far less finger blistering, and far more of that 'fun' thing that's quite popular in the industry.

Finally, far from trying to take out the hordes, all you're really doing is holding out until the timer expires. That puts you ridiculously at the mercy of health pickups appearing at the right time, and makes accidentally triggering a time bonus pick-up the equivalent of elbowing yourself in the face.

And that isn't even possible!

Can t help think that THE DEAD HAVE RISEN might be a better sell than LOOK IT S A GIRL IN A BIKINI

Can't help think that 'THE DEAD HAVE RISEN!' might be a better sell than 'LOOK IT'S A GIRL IN A BIKINI!'

The reward for this, aside from every minute spent doing it knocking off two minutes in any purgatory you may find yourself in after death, is to have your lady friends to go "Meh," at being pursued by zombies, Nazis, other models turned into succubi and spiders and whatever, and instead take the time out to wave their wobbly bits in front of a camera. Live fast, die young, become a beautiful zombie, I guess...

Okay girls time to put those weapons away pick up some real guns and help Tarantino these Nazis

Okay, girls, time to put those weapons away, pick up some real guns, and help Tarantino these Nazis.

These sequences are better than the rest of the game, though only by default - other things in that category including stubbing your toe on the door, having your fingernails ripped out by the KGB, and the song "Call Me, Maybe." It's a timing based puzzle, as you stand miles and miles back to snap the most boring smut in the world, with a skeleton trying to photobomb the girl as she focuses and defocuses while the rest of the screen doesn't. Succeed, and you get a better weapon to add to your arsenal for the next zombie wave, and lingering questions about where the hell she was keeping it.

For his trouble, our main character also gets unforgettable cheesecake shots like... uh... this.

Yep that was worth fighting Nazi zombies to Wait you Photoshopped it Just do that and avoid this mess idiot

Yep, that was worth fighting Nazi zombies to- Wait, you Photoshopped it? Just do that and avoid this mess, idiot!

The lack of any real tactics makes it easy to race through most of the game in one or two sittings, depending on health power-ups and if you accidentally slip into a state of torpor somewhere between stages 3 and 4. By the second though, it's not the sexiness that stands out so much as the slip-ups in palette that make everything very visibly different art assets half-heartedly smushed together - spiders especially come from a mysterious land where artists haven't heard of this thing we call 'gamma correction'. When the ending comes, it's low-resolution in a way that suggests everyone involved figured almost nobody was going to see it anyway, and consists entirely of one quick visual gag and a last minute revelation about our hero that it probably wasn't worth waiting the entire game for...

That s right You spent the whole game wearing the ugliest trousers in the world TWIST ENDING

That's right. You spent the whole game wearing the ugliest trousers in the world. TWIST ENDING!

Oh, my. No wonder the zombies didn't invite him to their sexy afterparty.

It is, after all, a dead classy affair.