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Oh no, I actually want this ugly Windows 95 sweater

Oh no, Microsoft. What have you done. Are you geniuses, or are you fashion supervillains? I don't know, but I do know that I feel a strange mix of revulsion and longing when I look at the monstrosity you've created, a sweater weaved into the tacky form of Windows circa 1995.

I don't own any ugly Christmas sweaters. I've been tempted before, and just this week had to come to terms with my jealousy for a friend's ugly Sonic the Hedgehog sweater. But paying ode to an ancient, buggy operating system somehow seems more right for a hideous holiday pullover. The more baffling the better, right? Who else would show up to a Christmas party wearing that nonsense? No one with any good sense, I'm sure.

But it'd be the perfect excuse for me to ask everyone I meet, "Have you seen this instructional video for Windows 95 starring Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry, stars from the hit TV show Friends?" And if they hadn't, boy would we have something to talk about.

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That's something I have to admit no sweater I currently own can do: None of them are story starters, and even if they were my stories wouldn't be as good as Rachel and Chandler learning how to use a computer. That alone justifies this sweater's existence. I also appreciate the absurdly beautiful, seriously posed photography Microsoft used to show off a gag sweater. Their only failing, really, is that the back should be one big Blue Screen of Death.

Wes Fenlon
When he's not 50 hours into a JRPG or an opaque ASCII roguelike, Wes is probably playing the hottest games of three years ago. He oversees features, seeking out personal stories from PC gaming's niche communities. 50% pizza by volume.