I get bombarded with emails from companies with apparent survey results meant to "reveal" something interesting to me about gaming. Usually, they go straight in the bin as with all the other crypto and gambling shills that worm their way into my inbox. But today I had to bring you the idiocy that presented itself to me with the subject line "Master Chief from Halo ranks tenth for most stylish video game character."
My initial thought was, of course, HOW? This guy has one look. Sure you can customise your Spartan to be as colourful or bland as you like in Halo multiplayer, but that's not Master Chief himself. I had to understand exactly how these characters were being named, honestly, and who would be closer to the top if Master Chief of all people was number ten.
I was not disappointed.
"Online card game site SolitaireBliss analyzed the number of Google searches of 1,000 video game characters alongside terms such as ‘outfit,’ ‘clothing,’ and ‘style’ to determine the most fashionable." That's how the list came to be, in case you were wondering. Which doesn't sound like the most scientific method, although SEO is sapping the web of its last semblance of writing flair, so it doesn't surprise me that this was their method.
In the grand scheme of things, though, "1,000 video game characters" hardly touches the surface. Imagine how many game characters have ever existed since the dawn of games. And who exactly got to pick the 1,000 to analyse in the first place? I have a feeling they didn't even consider Pinky, Inky, Blinky, and Clyde's fantastically colour-coordinated outfits.
1. Kitana (Mortal Kombat)
2. Carmen Sandiego (Carmen Sandiego)
3. Steve (Minecraft)
4. Mileena (Mortal Kombat)
5. Misty (Pokémon)
6. Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)
7. Cammy (Street Fighter)
8. Isabelle (Animal Crossing)
9. Reaper (Overwatch)
10. Master Chief (Halo)
Let's get the winner out of the way before your heads explode, then I'll go on to complaining about the rest of the uncultured swines on this list.
Mortal Kombat's Kitana sits at number one, and came up with "8,191 monthly searches relating to her dress sense"... or her lack of clothing, more likely. The epitome of girlboss armour, Kitana doesn't need actual padding or protection to kick ass. Her cosplay looks like some of the most wholly uncomfortable gear I have ever seen in my life. And that choice of royal blue? I think not.
Popping quickly down the rest of the list, I notice Kitana isn't the only Mortal Kombat stylista here. She's joined by none other than Scorpion. Because what says style better than banana yellow vests and a bane mask to cover all your scars? Scorpion is sixth, by the way, so at least he did better than Chief-one-outfit in tenth.
The Killer Bee, Cammy from Street Fighter also makes an appearance, though those endless camo legs and/or blue yoga pants didn't make it quite as high up the list as the notoriously trendy Steve from Minecraft in *checks notes*... third?
Even Misty from Pokémon made it higher than the rough and ready, red beret-wearing amnesiac super soldier. How she managed that with a yellow tank top, hotpants, and braces I cannot get my head around. Oh, wait, I answered my own question with hotpants.
I'm sorry, I have to stop there because if anyone else tells me Animal Crossing's Isabelle is one of the most stylish characters in video game history—with that green granny vest—I'm going to gouge my eyes out with a Switch controller.