The 'Compiling Shaders' screen is the worst screen in gaming: here's how to make it suck less

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but one fateful day in the recent past videogames collectively decided that instead of compiling shaders while we were playing a game, it'd compile them before we started playing the game.

Fine. Good idea. That means, at least theoretically, less laggy performance while playing. Get all that time-consuming compiling out of the way now instead of dragging it out later.

Problem is, videogames also decided they were going to make me sit there watching them compile those shaders. This is represented for me, typically, with a progress bar and a little number next to an enormous number representing each and every shader, often tens of thousands of them. And nothing else.

Before I go on, I want to make this clear: I am not anti-shader. I support shaders. I have many, many shaders. Prick me and I bleed shaders (and blood, so please don't prick me, actually). I have the utmost respect for the hard-working developers and programmers and artists who toil night and day in the shader mines to bring us the thousands of shaders needed to make our games do… you know, whatever it is shaders make them do.

So, why do I have a problem with the compiling shaders screen? While the shaders are being compiled, couldn't I just do something else to pass the time? Tab out and delete some spam from my inbox. Check the news to see how many stories are about Sidney Sweeney (all of them). Step away and get a drink or a quick snack or, in the case of certain games I won't name, repaint my entire living room.

Thing is, I can't, because you've given me a screen showing one number that will eventually become another number and I am powerless to do anything but stare at it impatiently. I cannot look away from the Number Goes Up Until It's As Big As Other Number show. If it were anything else besides two numbers eventually becoming the same number I don't think I'd have as big a problem with the compiling shader screen, but that's all it ever is.

I know complaints are pointless without solutions, so here are a few ideas for all you lucky developers on how to make the compiling shaders screen more palatable and less annoying.

Combine it with a loading screen that displays gameplay tips

I am trained to ignore loading screen tips because, believe it or not, after 60 or 70 hours of playing a game, I know that blocking attacks will briefly stagger my opponents. I know that. Thanks. There is not and has never been a loading screen tip in all of gaming history that I've found helpful, so if you add them to the compiling shaders screen I will immediately sneer dismissively and kill time by pulling out my phone and checking if more than one person liked my Bluesky post from three days ago (they didn't).

Say you're doing something else

Remember how The Sims would say stuff like "capacitating genetic modifiers" or "partitioning social network" or the all-time banger "reticulating 3-dimensional splines" while we were waiting for the game to load? Get some of that mojo working. Make up silly words and cycle through them while we wait. Creative nonsense makes for great reading and it's way more fun than those two words I've come to dread every time I boot up a game.

Compile one really big shader

I feel like I'd be happier staring at a 0/1 screen until it abruptly ticks over to 1/1 than I am a 0/23,957 screen slowly reaching a 23,957/23,957 conclusion. Watching a large zero do nothing for three minutes would be genuinely tense, and it abruptly transforming into a thick, meaty 1 would be a fun jumpscare to get my heart rate up.

Institute "No-Shader Saturdays"

On Saturday, guess what? No shader compiling! No shader checking! No shaders in the game at all. Sure, the game will look like ass, but we'll have a few minutes more to play it. And who knows? Maybe we won't even miss all those missing shaders.

Let me help

When all else fails, put the burden on me. Tell me that hammering the spacebar will compile shaders more quickly. I know it's a lie, but plant that seed in my brain and I'll still do it just in case it does help, like pressing the button repeatedly at an elevator or crosswalk.

I'm here, I'm waiting, I'm pointlessly angry: put me to work. It'll help pass the time.

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