Part 2: Ring-a-ding, Kim Jong
On March 26, we gain a powerful friend for life. German Chancellor Angela Merkel declares war on Switzerland, clearly privy to their depravity just as we are. I announce my public support for the war and hope this means I can hand off another of my campaign promises to someone who has a better idea of what they’re doing than I do. By April 10, Geneva falls to the Bundeswehr and Switzerland becomes a province of Germany. Merkel has accomplished what not even the Third Reich dared, and another Enemy of Freedom is wiped from the map. Two down, one to go. But there’s a slight problem. North Korea, while being bombed by the USAF, has declared an offensive war on China because reasons. This has now become a race to crush them before China does. We won’t give them the credit!
It’s the first of May and the marines have come ashore outside Pyongyang, mere days after a round of nuclear bombardment. I realize I’m not actually sure at this point if I know how nukes work. I have yet to see their effects on the map. But I keep hitting the big, red button anyway. Even if it doesn’t do anything, it makes me feel better. I imagine it’s possible the joint chiefs are just telling me they launched our full nuclear arsenal to keep me happy. In any case, it takes less than a week to capture the capital, and the Chinese are nowhere in sight. They’ve recently declared war on India, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the destabilizing effects of the world’s major superpower going on an imperialist rampage, so I imagine they’re somewhat occupied with that.
The war in North Korea drags on until June 26 as we wipe out the last pockets of resistance, but we beat China to the punch and force Kim to surrender. The logical thing to do might be to reunify Korea, handing over the liberated North to our long-time allies in the South. But I think we can build a better Korea. The best Korea. An American Korea.
Epilogue: A greater America?
American North Korea has been established, and the world is now safe for democracy. Kinda. Russia and China are in a mad dash to eat up all of the territory of the former Soviet Union like military-industrial Hungry, Hungry Hippos, because I guess all bets are off at this point. Meanwhile, alliances are forming in Europe to oppose U.S. imperialism. But guess what? That beautiful wall? Finished as promised. It only cost something like 80% of our cash reserves. ISIS? A thing of the past. The people of Seoul sleep soundly at night absent the threat of a madman with his finger on the nuclear button. Okay, maybe they get a little restless thinking about the new guy in charge. That’s their right.
As for the economy? Uh… well, the national debt has ballooned a bit. But that’s just the price of freedom. And we have a whopping 24% approval rating, which is pretty respectable considering we’ve raised taxes to over 50%, backpedaled on anti-colonialist foreign policy ideals in place since the ‘40s, and launched two of the most costly wars of the 21st Century. What can this tell us about a potential, real world Trump presidency? Probably nothing. Except, perhaps, that it could make a hell of a historical strategy game some day if society survived it.