The most baffling Steam user reviews
Before buying a game, it's a good idea to visit several different sources to determine if it's worth your time and money. Read reviews on gaming sites. Watch your favorite YouTube personality play it. See what people are saying on Twitter. Ask random people on the street. Call up your elected political representative. Buy a copy of the World's Number One PC Gaming Magazine (say, in the US or UK?). Buy several copies, in case something happens to your first copy.
You can even check out reviews on Steam, written by people who have played the game. Just use caution. While there are plenty of great writers filing reviews on Steam, there are also, shall we say, not-that. Here are a few of the weirdest, silliest, and worst reviews we've seen on Steam.
Grand Theft Auto 5
Look, we all appreciate an incredibly well-crafted and sick burn. The wordplay is delicious and works on just over one level. With over 150 hours of play, however, it seems like it was 'how about yes.' We've contacted cockstar for comment.
Not so much a review as it is a tip. Not so much a tip as it is a tip that doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
One of the better games of this decade—of this decade—but doesn't recommend it because Skyrim has better combat (?) and no sex.
To his credit, they decided 12 minutes of play wasn't long enough for a review. Unfortunately, neither is 42 minutes. We're dying to see what they come back with after a whole hour.
No arguments here.
Kerbal Space Program
We hear games described as "not a game" plenty, but KSP? You can build rockets and launch adorable little monsters into space. Even only .7 hours is plenty of time to accidentally kill couple astronauts.
The question: Did he play 2 hours, write the review, then wind up enjoying the next 680 hours but never re-wrote it? Or did he play 682 hours before finally shooting someone, which made him decide he hates it?
Assassin's Creed: Syndicate
After the problems with Unity, I think all of our standards were just a tiny bit lowered.
We've all bought something we didn't know anything about. It happens. We just don't usually give negative reviews specifically because we bought something we didn't know anything about.
The Secret of Monkey Island
Also, avoid Sam & Max Hit the Road. If you want to be a policeman, get L.A. Noire.
Remember, this is an Early Access review and your experience may not be representative of the finished product! For instance, there may be people who shoot you in the face without first complementing your penis.
I may barely wind up playing this bland garbage for 1,400 hours at this point! Thumbs down!
Mass Effect 2
I give this game I don't recommend a 10/10. Signed, A Guy With An Inexplicable Amount of Vitriol for Seth Green.
Munich Bus Driver
This may be the best review I've ever read—not just for a game about driving a bus in Munich, but for a game about driving an anything anywhere. Would recommend to other readers of bus driving game reviews 10/10.
I wanted to see cool things appear on my mountain, like plants! But I only got ordinary things, like a ball of fire, a gramophone, and the planet Earth! Terrible!
Well, I prefer my rootin-tootin artsy indo poo-pieces to be original... but then again, I also want to kill gaming. What to do, what to do...
TL;DR: The most important thing in a game—in fact, the only thing even worth mentioning—is that sometimes dead bodies disappear. Not recommended for those who like staring at virtual corpses for hours.
World of Goo
While we appreciate—as always—the totally sick burn and awesome pun, all we can wonder is: why did this review need updating? Did he spell Poo wrong the first time?
Dark Souls 2
It's always good to read multiple reviews before buying a game. Except in this case. We think you can trust this one.
True to his word, this reviewer has only played another 1,506 hours. (Also, while we realize this is a joke, it's the same exact joke made by every single other reviewer on Steam.)
Divinity: Original Sin
Not really sure how a game can overstay its welcome. You don't have to keep glancing at your watch and yawning and hope it picks up on the hint, like when your relatives are over.
It's almost as if someone who worked on HL2 also worked on Dishonored. Regardless, it's not very interesting, which is why he spent almost 50 hours with it over two weeks.
weight. sew your saying eye shouldn't by it? dam.
It's true, Counter-Strike, released in 2000, has no achievements. But in our eyes, you've just earned an honorary one.
Aliens: Colonial Marines
Here we learn that excellent UI trumps broken AI. Sure, the aliens don't actually work but my health meter is quite attractive! At least "Must Own" is in quotes, so you can infer sarcasm.
I even walked away from my PC at one point. Came back an hour later. Nothing had happened. I don't get it.
This review might have a few of the facts wrong, but we agree: you're not likely to find a game that better explores combat rollercoaster and haircut effect.
Batman: Arkham Asylum
The hour I spent with this game is terrible compared to the hour I haven't spent with a game that hasn't been released yet.
Counter-Strike: Global Offensive
Not one but two informative reviews! Not many writers are willing to put in the work like this, and you can genuinely feel the hurt.