Sony's new PlayStation ad - "Michael" - shows live-action versions of game characters sharing stories about the things they've done. If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil more than that - it's embedded above.
The costumes are impressive, but I can't help feeling this isn't how the characters I play in PC games would talk about me - or most PC gamers, for that matter. Saving the world, facing the gods, finding the good in a conflicted hero - we'll get to it, but we've usually got something else we want to try first. I don't have Sony's voice-acting budget, so I've written the PC gaming version of their ad as a screenplay.
1 - INT - BAR - NIGHT
An assortment of PC game protagonists fill the dingy bar, muttering angrily to each other. GORDON FREEMAN walks in, glances around and takes a seat - but says nothing.
He made me punch trees till my hands bled, just so he could build a giant wooden cock.
FREEMAN raises his eyebrows, but says nothing.
He sent my whole squad over a burrowed Baneling... (looking down, choking back tears)
And he didn't even spread us.
The first time I ever killed a man, he made me crouch up and down on his face forty-six times.
When half the world resented my augmentations and the other half envied me - he made me use them to knock out hookers.
FREEMAN almost says something, but stops himself. There's a long pause as the crowd look at him expectantly.
Ravenholm! When no-one else would go there... one man made me replay it THREE TIMES.
ARMA II SOLDIER
My unit was ordered to intercept an armoured convoy. He put me in a tractor.
My Nanosuit cost 1.7 billion dollars to create. He used it to throw a crab at a shed.
(Sitting back down)
I don't even want to talk about the gnome achievement.