Assassin's Creed Victory dos and don'ts

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The UK team here at PC Gamer were delighted when the leaked setting for the new Assassin's Creed game was revealed to be Victorian London. Fantastic! But sometimes folks can go a bit Wee Britain when depicting our rainy little island, so after a team brainstorm and some hasty photoshopping, we've come up with a list of dos and don'ts for Ubi to take note of when building London for Assassin's Creed. Stick to these rules and you're sure to get the best—or at least silliest—Assassin's Creed yet.

Let's begin with a few obvious dos.

DO: Replace hay carts with heaps of urchins.

DO: Hidden blades in top hats.

DO: Hidden top hats in blades.

DO: Replace the Brotherhood with a network of chimney sweeps. Instead of assigning them assassination tasks from a menu, you could carry mucky children to the rooftops of known Templar sympathisers.

DO: Tie Jack the Ripper into the templar/assassin conspiracy.

DO: Secret Freemason shenanigans.

DO: Include Darwin as the new Da vinci. He can sell you crafting materials and later invent remote controlled pigeon bombs.

DO: Make Big Ben bong when you synchronise on top of it, irrespective of the time of day.

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DO: An exact copy of the plot of Assassin’s Creed 2, only with Queen Victoria instead of the Pope. The ending should be a protracted, brutal, 20 minute-long fight against the Queen in a neon Precursor temple hidden under Buckingham Palace. Also the Queen is a wizard.

DO: Go on a stealth mission with the Elephant Man.

DO: Press X to Chartism.

DO: Redeem Uplay points for bigger mutton chops.

DO: At the top of a tower, obscure view with featureless wall of London fog.

DO: Replace eagles with big ravens.

DO: Have an assassination mission in which you have three days to pass off a Cockney flower girl assassin as a lady, so that she can infiltrate the highest levels of London society.

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DO: Have a related escort mission in which you conduct an inebriated Cockney dustman to the church. He must get there on time.

DO: Include AI imperative that forces horse-drawn carriages to arrive in threes.

DO: Share a pipe with guffawing gentlefops.

DO: Surround the player with the ambient retching and coughing at all times.

DO: “Air assassinate a rat.”

DO: Code urchins to spontaneously burst into song.

DO: Put a synchronisation point on Buckingham Palace.

DO: Charles Dance. Benedict Cumberbatch. Judi Dench. Helen Mirren. Damien Lewis. Tom Hiddleston. Tom Hardy. Christopher Eccleston. Michael Caine.

Onward, to the things you absolutely shouldn't do with the Victorian London setting.

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