To catch a predator...in World of Warcraft

Candace McCarty

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The streets of Goldshire were littered with scantily clad Night Elf, Draenei and Human women. Low level alts dotted the tables of the Lion's Pride Inn watching pixelated naked ladies dance for their pleasure. While I tried to convince myself that the countless wiggling Draenei butts in my face weren't a dream, I heard a very familiar phrase as a level 1 Priest emerged from behind some barrels near the staircase: "Hello, I'm Chris Hansen. I'm going to need you to take a seat."

My brand-new Paladin snuck towards the back of the Lion's Pride Inn (past the naked bodies dancing on every surface in the place) and watched Chris Hansen threaten the residents with Dateline: Azeroth. "I have the chat logs right here", he said to a Hunter attempting to make the moves on a feral Druid, before proceeding to read back some of the socially-questionable exchanges made between the two.

This was a troll of epic proportions. Goldshire on the Moon Guard RP server is famous for its "special" brand of role-play , often involving ridiculous metaphors and WoW characters dancing in underwear--it was only a matter of time until someone tried to clean up the place Chris Hansen-style .

In front of me, a naked Draenei and Night Elf started to dance on the tables asking for tips. One of them was bold enough to ask Chris Hansen if he wanted a dance. Fortunately, Chris was able to resist her feminine charms and got back to business. "Sir...we have some videos we need to show you." Chris had turned his attention to a Rogue who was trying his best to buy a Draenei girl a drink. Unfortunately for the Rogue, Chris had other plans.

Chris' speeches and threats to the residents were drawing a crowd. Was it possible that he could talk some sense into this ERP'ing crowd? If he could redeem even that single Warlock asking the Druid for a night out, his efforts would be worth it--or maybe the naked Gnome streaking through the streets of Elwynn, yelling that he needed a woman.

"Sir, she's 317. That's a child in Draenei years", Chris continued on his mission to save Goldshire from it's debauchery. Unfortunately, the Human responded by emoting /rofl and applauding Chris' attempts. A few Draenei strippers inched closer to the conversation and started to dance on the tables. A Warlock tried to convince Chris to join her upstairs. The Rogue that Chris was chastising didn't take the accusation of chatting up an underage Draenei seriously and continued on.

As I left the Inn to continue exploring the post-Shattering Elwynn Forest, I turned back for just a moment and saw that Goldshire had taken hold of Chris as well. He was stripped down to his boxers dancing on a table next to the Draenei. No one is safe from the clutches of Goldshire--not even Chrishanson the level one Human Priest.

The party rages on...

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