This game doesn’t come with conventional AI. Buy it, and the Croatian devs mail you two giant, powder-filled jiffy-bags, one labelled ‘Ferdinand Fuchs’, the other ‘Boris Bastardov’. Open these, add five gallons of vodka to the Boris bag and five gallons of schnapps to the Ferdinand, then stand back as two super-sly Ost Front generals materialise in front of you.
We elevate the Total War games beyond simply being good strategy games because we believe they’re story-engines: that not only do they offer deep and difficult decisions about how to paint the map your colour, but they also entertain you with your own genius.
I’m doing well. I’m a mean son of a Bitchu, but my courtiers are too shit-scared of me to rebel. They scheme endlessly, but my Master of the Guard penetrates their plots with ease. I just wait for them to garner enough support, then expose them to destroy their honour, and order the powerful ones to kill themselves.
I won’t be Shogun – my territory is too small and my victories similarly tiny – but my four wives mean I’ve produced enough offspring that one of my children might be. If someone else doesn’t get there first.