A goat farmer reviews Goat Simulator: "Goats love champagne."

PC Gamer at

Angelina Bellebuono is a photographer and writer living in rural Georgia. She owns 13 goats (including Dolly, pictured above) and has written for publications including Paste Magazine and Georgia Trend. In 2010, she created an interactive photography/writing project called Goatballad: A Pasture Hymn. We asked Angelina to play Goat Simulator and write about her experience with the game as a goat farmer. This is her personal essay.

A friend of a friend refers to me as goat goddess and emails me explaining that I may get a goat question from San Francisco. I live on a five-acre farm in rural Georgia. San Francisco is far away. Are there any goats in San Francisco?

The email arrives. A request: write about Goat Simulator, a new-but-not-so-serious video game.

After Action Report: the calamitous voyage of the Vagrant Badger, in FTL

Tom Senior at

Welcome to the After Action Report, an account from one of PC gaming's varied, exciting battlefields.

FTL's creators wanted to make a brilliant Captain Picard sim, but Picard doesn't tend to die in a fire half-way through an episode of The Next Generation. Instead they've created a terrific roguelike that almost always ends in horrible death, but always spawns a neat little story every time you play. You control the crew of a spaceship as it zips across the galaxy trying to escape the laser beams of a pursuing rebel fleet. You meet pirates, recruit strange aliens and upgrade your ship to match increasingly deadly enemies. A juicy free update is about to add a load of new features, so I paid one last visit to the original version, to rediscover its brilliance, and try to reach the final boss.

Guild Wars 2 moving to "Megaserver System", ArenaNet aim to populate quieter zones

Phil Savage at

Guild Wars 2's Feature Pack is still a fortnight away, but, judging by ArenaNet's recent teasers, it promises to be one of the more significant updates in the game's history. Across the eleven existing blog posts on the MMO's update page, the developers have revealed upcoming changes to Traits, Skins, Crits, Slots, as well as some of their non-monosyllabic systems.

The latest post details the "Megaserver System", which dramatically alters how players will be populated across different zones. The hope is that friends and guildmates will be more consistently placed on the same version of a busy map, and that the game's quieter maps will become dramatically more populated. All of which is great stuff, even if I'm slightly underwhelmed by their hyperbole. Megaserver? Why not Enormouserver, or Colossuserver?

Battlefield 4 experiencing "rubber-banding" issues, DICE say reducing lag is top priority

Phil Savage at

Battlefield 4's post-launch issues are, I think, just a few months from being officially recognised as a "saga". Soon, bards will write songs about DICE's efforts to squash bugs and tighten performance.

The most recent issue—affecting "certain platforms"—is 'rubber-banding'. It's a problem that results in players warping back and forth, as high latency causes the server to lose sync with the client. DICE have now issued a statement, saying that fixing this issue is their new top priority.

Watch Dogs video shows off wind, water and lighting effects

Phil Savage at

Update: AGB's video has been removed by Ubisoft.

Recently, discussion about Watch Dogs has centred on whether its recent trailers are up to the quality of its E2 2012 reveal—the implication being that the answer is no. But whatever the AGW (Applied Graphical Wow-itude) Rating of the final game, it will at least have some shiny environmental effects, like detailed wind simulation and bothersome raindrops. Some of those effects are shown in this tech video.

SOE's Player Studio marketplace expands to Canada and Europe

Chris Thursten at

SOE's Player Studio program allows players to earn money submitting new EverQuest or Planetside items for consideration by each game's developers. It comes from the same set of ideas as Valve's Steam Workshop - the notion that any body of players has enough talent within it to substantially expand a game if given the chance, and that this expansion can be tied to economic incentives that benefit everybody.

The Wolf Among Us trailer teases Episode 3's launch, doesn't reveal launch date

Phil Savage at

Er, this is awkward. This Episode 3 trailer for The Wolf Among Us starts with a spoiler warning for previous chapters. Telltale's Fables adaptation is currently sat in my Steam library's ever-growing backlog list, and so I've decided not to watch it. I really hope it is a legitimate trailer I'm posting, and not say a specialist "adult" retelling of the Big Bad Wolf. That would be embarrassing.

The 12 most amazing moments from Smite's launch tournament

Wes Fenlon at

After a weekend of watching the best players from the US and Europe compete in High-Rez Studios' MOBA Smite, I could pick out the most amazing plays by the volume of the crowd. The thousand-seat Center Theater in Atlanta erupted for every kill and chanted for favored teams, but only the best ganks and jukes incited cheers that grew louder and louder and louder. Sometimes the plays were so precise, so obviously above the skill level of any normal player, that I was already writing them down as the crowd went wild.

At least one incredible play happened in every match I watched throughout Smite's three day launch tournament, and I put together a list of the moments that really wowed me below. Each one is embedded with a timestamped video from a Twitch livestream so you can jump straight into the action.

Unreal Engine 4 sci-fi horror game Caffeine takes to Indiegogo

Emanuel Maiberg at

Caffeine, a first-person horror game powered by Unreal Engine 4, has launched a crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo. If it hits its funding goal, Caffeine promises to deliver a chilling, beautiful experience inspired by Doom 3, Condemned, and FEAR 2.

The 10 best Elder Scrolls Online addons, tweaks, and tools

Tyler Wilde at

The Elder Scrolls Online has been officially playable by the pre-ordering type since Sunday. Look for the first of our review impressions later this week, but for now, we expect most players will share this observation: the UI is too sparse. ESO seems ashamed of its MMO mechanics, hiding damage numbers and useful information such as experience gains.

Diary of a Droid Jedi - Star Wars Conquest, part 1

Evan Lahti at

Uninstall KOTOR. Forget TIE Fighter and Star Wars Battlefront. There is only one Star Wars video game, and it’s an unfinished mod for a six-year-old medieval RPG built by an indie studio from Turkey.

Oculus VR hires another Valve virtual reality expert

Emanuel Maiberg at

Oculus VR announced that it hired yet another virtual reality expert from Valve, Aaron Nicholls. His new title will be Scientist, presumably working under Chief Scientist Michael Abrash, another Valve virtual reality expert Oculus VR announced it hired last week.

Star Citizen's Chris Roberts doesn't think Oculus "sold out"

Emanuel Maiberg at

Cloud Imperium founder and creator of the upcoming Star Citizen Chris Roberts doesn’t think Oculus VR betrayed gamers by “selling out” to Facebook. In a post to Star Citizen's official website, he makes an argument that’s familiar at this point: Oculus VR needed a lot more money in order for the Rift to succeed.

Dungeon of the Endless explains its genre mashup in new trailer

Patrick Carlson at

As a roguelike, Dungeon of the Endless gives players more than one way to die. But it's also a mix of squad-based exploration, tower defense, and RPG-style upgrades, so there's also more than one way to stay alive, too. The game's newest trailer shows how these different genres work together to make the game cohesive.

Announcing our PAX East 2014 panel with Palmer Luckey, Chris Roberts, and more

PC Gamer at

Virtual reality, SteamOS, fiber broadband, 4K displays, holodecks (you know, maybe)—the next five years of PC gaming will radically transform our immortal hobby. What new experiences will the PC games of the near future provide? How will technology surprise us? This April at PAX East 2014, we'll look into that glowing future with the innovators and PC gaming stakeholders shaping it.

April Fools' round-up: the year's best (completely fake) announcements

PC Gamer at

With Goat Simulator out in just a few hours, it feels like the year's biggest April Fool's joke has been months in the making. While no-one else has gone as far as making a real game, plenty are joining in on the jovial japes of this most news-unfriendly of days.

Here's your round-up of PC gaming's best April Fool's announcements: from the continuation of Blizzard's now serial acronym, to the unexpected return of Phil Fish.

The Rift Report: exploring the weird world of virtual reality sex

Andy Kelly at

Every Tuesday Andy straps on the Oculus Rift and dives headfirst into the world of virtual reality in the Rift Report. Is it really the future of PC gaming? Let’s find out.

Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about the dirty elephant in the room: sex games. As long as the concept of virtual reality has existed, people have been fascinated by the pornographic possibilities of the technology. Now, thanks to the Oculus Rift and accessible 3D dev tools like Unity and Unreal, those wet dreams are coming true. Sure, the Rift can whisk you away to fantastical worlds, but some people would rather just toss themselves dry to digitised filth. So it’s no surprise that a number of adult games developed for the headset have appeared online, which I’ve bravely decided to test.

Opinion: Blizzard needs to do more to keep average Hearthstone players interested

Tim Clark at

I've entered into a strange love/hate relationship with Hearthstone over the past month, the upshot of which is I'm not sure whether I want to keep playing it anymore, and yet I find myself entirely incapable of stopping. Trying to improve my scattershot performance has drawn me into Hearthstone's 'meta game', where expert players create decks designed to beat the system. At least until the system changes and the cycle changes again.

Batman: Arkham Knight interview - on story, combat and "civil war on the streets of Gotham"

Samuel Roberts at

Batman: Arkham Knight is set in an even larger version of Gotham City than its predecessors managed. It's so big, they've had to include the Batmobile so you can get around quicker. How else are Rocksteady leveraging the muscle of modern PCs? Will we face another rogues' gallery, a la Arkham City? How will the combat system change from the first games? I sat down with Rocksteady's marketing producer Dax Ginn to find out.

Dota 2's fourth The International tournament announced for July, moves to new location

Phil Savage at

Some people are really good at manipulating wizards. As the makers of a game that features wizards (also: bears, succubi, venomous man-reptiles), every year Valve invite some of these people to a multi-million dollar wizard-off. That tournament is Dota 2's The International, and is one of the year's largest e-sports events. Valve have confirmed that this year's tournament will run from July 18 - 21, with tickets going on sale later this week. In addition, the event takes place in a new venue: Seattle's KeyArena.