So the league has (finally) moved on, and the all new, improved and upgraded Skaven team can get to strut its funky stuff!, who am I up against?
If there is one thing I hate more than this fucking game, its Dwarves.
The last time I played a Dwarven team, they murdered my entire team. A defeat I still (some four matches later) have not recovered from.
This is not going to be a question of winning, more of trying to keep as many alive as possible.
So Xand loses the toss, and I elect to receive. Maybe I can get at least one try before my entire team is slaughtered.
Of course, being useless dwarves they fail to even manage to kick the ball over the halfway line, so its handed to my Catcher, who passes over to a gutter runner and slowly move up the left side of the field, a lone gutter runner gets tripped over on the right forcing a
Now traditionally, in pretty much all fantasy fiction, dwarves are, for some reason, Scottish. In this case they really are, being that Xand is a Scot. A member of a proud, honourable race of men surviving in the face of adversity in the harsh inhospitable climes of Northern Britain.
Unfortunately Xand has clearly been influenced by the English rugby squad as he immediately sets about nailing into prone players lying unconscious on the pitch.
He runs all his Dwarves over to intercept my ball carrier.
Dwarves, short on stature, short on brains.
Having expertly duped my vitamin D deficient opponents to crowding the left of the field, I run the ball back over to the right.
In response to this, those runty bastards just set about attacking anyone in range.
Its almost like they are teenagers.
Of course, with my surgical precision I have a clear run up the right hand side and a touchdown is assured.
Hmmm, not to worry, those scummy grit eaters cannot possibly get all the way back in time to stop my inevitable touchdown. Especially as they lay waste to all and sundry around them.
Pfft, Dwarven acting out.
So I weather the storm. But I know how this game hates me, I’m taking no risks, and now, with the ball in the clear, and two gutter runners, a breed designed to scoop up the ball and run to the endzo Motherfucker!
Not to worry, if a gutter runner is going to fail a pickup, those granite gimps can’t possibly,
Well, would you look at that. Just scooped it up like it was made of lard (He is Scottish).
However, they have to get it about three quarters of the way down the field, and they have 3 turns to do it in.
I just need to delay them.
I form my line.
The clock ticks down.
The clock ticks down further.
Oh praise the lord, another lost connection will grant me the victory, saints be Prai
Ahh. Someones been formulating.
In traditional Dwarven style, the malachite malcontents set about flooring any rat they get within their grubby diminutive paws and they push towards the halfway line.
TWO TURNS TO HALFTIME
I attempt to strengthen my line, but, in the traditional Blood Bowl way, cause a turnover without actually managing to do anything
So there is this Skaven right, standing on his own, minding his own business, no-where near the state of play, and this Dwarf just runs up and punches him.
However this was a ninja Skaven who promptly plants the Dwarf on his arse.
TURNOVER…..DO NOT PROGRESS THE BALL TO THE ENDZONE……MAKE IT HARDER TO SCORE YOUR TOUCHDOWN.
Not only that, but I then managed to knock the ball out of the carriers hand and scoot it away from him. Whilst I am too far to score, I have successfully prevented them from scoring, for even if they reclaim the ball (which they do) they don’t have enough time to score (they don’t).
Of course, being the bunch of sad loosers that we all know Dwarves are, they set about attacking anyone lying prone on the pitch.
I get the distinct feeling I am sitting in a Glaswegian Pub.
So the good news, no-one is dead.
The bad news, they are receiving, they have put Cuddles (the rat Ogre) in the Hospital so I cannot get the ball off them, and they outnumber me 11 to 9.
There is no conceivable way that I can win.
Remember how my trained Gutter runners failed to pick up a ball in a field. The evil Dwarven scum just scoop it up.
And then run towards me.
Now its important to realise that when Dwarves set about attacking all and sundry its because they are phalically impaired cretins acting out of impotence, when I do it, its all part of a devious strategem than the less intelligent couldn’t possibly understand. And in no way is a sad realisation that I am going to lose and so deign to take as many of the bastards out as I can.
I run a gutter runner up to help assist in an attack, realise the outcome is still three dice that Xand gets to choose from, and so run away again.
Just because I can.
Xand forms his cage, and moves to the halfway line. (It should be taken as read by this point that he also attacks anything still standing, lying on the pitch, or I am sure, his own shadow)
However not everything goes his way, through a series of intricate and deft manoeuvres, I orchestrate to push one of the runty bastards off the field.
I’m only outnumbered by one now!
He proceeds to lay waste to my remaining Skaven. Hospitalising another.
There isn’t a single conscious Skaven between the ball and the end zone, and he is two turns from scoring.
I’m fucked. I can’t even let him score in the hope of getting an equaliser because knowing how dishonourable midgety bastards are, he would just form a cage and sit at the end zone till the clock ticked down.
I go to the toilet.
But what’s this, on my return, the ball is in the clear, its on the floor! Its surrounded by gem eating bastards but its on the floor! (It was only after watching the replay (hence my crystal clear clarity on this writeup) that I learnt why. Dwarves, especially when you are two turns from scoring, should learn from a Balrog and Not Pass)
I scoop up the ball!
I pass it to a linesman!
Can I keep the ball from him till the clock ticks down? Can I possibly snatch a draw from the jaws of defeat?
My remaining Skaven line up around the ball carrier. There are now five of them.
There are ten Dwarves.
Including that bastard in the steamroller who is clearly overpowered.
He proceeds to hunt down lone Skaven like a fat man in a cake shop, but I get my catcher, surrounded by three Clay Cretins, to break free and run for the halfway line.
The linesman passes, the ball sails through the air, it lands in the clear.
There are two turns to go.
There are Ten dwarves on the pitch.
There are four Skaven.
A draw is assured. There is no possible way he can get back to the halfway line, scoop up the ball and get it to an end zone……Is There?
He attacks another prone player
Despite having 5 clear attacks on prone players, he still has not had a single dwarf sent off.
Cheating runty bastard.
My catcher scoops up the ball, he runs clear heading towards the safe zone! He is clear of all dwarves! Not only is this a draw, I might actually snatch VICTORY!!! Only one dwarf can actually get next to my catcher, and he would have to “go for it” twice, clearly on those runty stubs they call legs he couldn’t possi-Well son of a bitch.
So here we are.
The next action will define the game,
Either a lone runty, syphallitic AIDS riddled dirt muncher manages to trip my more athletic, sexy and attractive Catcher and cause a draw,
My athletic, sexy and attractive Catcher will heroically leap from the jaws of a lone runty, syphallitic AIDS riddled dirt muncher, secure a Touchdown and the adoration of all.
IN YOUR FACE YOU GEM STEALING VERTICALLY CHALLENGED COMMUNE LIVING HIPPY BASTARDS!
Of course, the last turn involved Xand randomly attacking everything around him, but I didn’t care, because I had won.
And I told him so in the chat channel.
I may also have NAHNAHNAHNAHNAHed him.
JACKRABBIT 1: XAND 0
Last edited by JackRabbit; 02-24-2013 at 05:10 PM.